You Remind Me of the Babe.
‘Allo!
Hang on a sec! … Okay … Yup, still there. I just had to check that my liver didn’t pick up and leave me after what I put it through over the last two weeks.
Go ahead and check that yours is still there I will wait … We all good? Good.
Have any of you stumbled through the door fully expecting to find your close family and friends sitting in the living room waiting to give you an intervention? If I walk into the house covered in glittered after disappearing for 4 days one more time I fully expect that to happen. After the third time I would worry if I was my family too.
Pride was a complete success. I hit up a lot of the events during the week, and they were all really well organized; I am not even going to talk about it, because a even week’s worth of Pride events cannot compare to the weekend I just had.
The adventures are coming faster than a 15 year old boy losing his virginity (SNAP!). I took a road trip to Winnipeg, Manitoba to visit some friends. Never before have I partied with people who party so well. I am in complete awe of their skills. More than a few managed to drag their asses to work after only an hour or two of pass out power naps.
… I am getting ahead of myself I will back up and explain a bit:
At the moment I am in a coffee shop in Saskatoon STILL wearing green spandex pants (my NLP who is proof reading this approves) and a pair of sunglasses inside because I am STILL hung over from Saturday. I am copying this entry out of a notebook I scribbled in while driving home from Winnipeg blaring dance tunes, because apparently I didn’t get enough of them this weekend. Or maybe I got so much that I needed to ease myself off the beats so as to not go into withdraw.
I was in Winnipeg to visit a couple friends who live there. They were kind enough to let me crash on their couch, introduce me to their friends, and show me around the city. THANK YOU! I was in Winnipeg from Thursday through to Sunday, but I am only going to talk about Saturday night and Sunday morning. If I talked about all the days this entry would go on forever; I spent the majority of Saturday night with my friend who will be called Pocket Lesbian. She is actually from Saskatoon, and moved out to Winnipeg last year. We go way back, I was one of her THREE prom dates when she graduated high school. Yeah, she is that good.
You won’t fully be able to understand why this weekend was so epic without knowing the crowd I was with. So here, watch this video -
This is who I came to visit and party with. They party so well and are packed so full of drama that they are in the running to be turned into a MTV reality show.
Go LIKE their Facebook group RIVER AVENUE, if you want to see more of them.
Obviously these girls know how to party, and that is exactly what happened on Saturday. I’ll sum up the the night:
“You remind me of the babe.”
“What babe?”
“The babe with the power!”
“What power?”
“The power of voodoo!”
“Who do?”
“You do!”
“Do what?”
“Remind me of the babe.”
Explanation? What does David Bowie have to do with anything? I went to a David Bowie themed party. No, I wasn’t wearing a codpiece…. Though, I did consider it. I was wearing green spandex pants, a tee with glitter letters, gold converse, a black & white stripe blazer and I had glitter on half of my head.
Never before have I seen so much glitter, spandex and lightning bolts. I bet it looked similar to the birth of Lady Gaga. It was a birthday party held on the roof of a vegan restaurant, and the party provided exactly what it was supposed to: dancing, drama, and David Bowie.
Time flew by at the party. Everyone was there, including a top runway model who hangs out with the group. An actual model, not a, ‘Once I modelled for a Sears catalogue. I wore a floral print muu muu. It was totally semi fitted though, so it was sexy. That was such a tough shoot, the frilly mid calf helm made it look like I had cankles’ kind of model. I’m sure this model has actually had her face tickled by the air coming off Karl Lagerfeld’s hand fan. At one point she was runway walking down the middle of the street WHILE hula hooping in shiny short shorts that go beyond the normal category of ’short shorts’. Once the blood started flowing back to my brain the only thing I could think to properly capture how tiny these shorts were was, “I see London, I see Paris…”
I went to Winnipeg assuming that everyone would already have a bit of an idea as to who I was, because I am such a big deal. Do you know who I am?! Kidding! I just thought Pocket Lesbian would have given a quick run down to her friends, but a lot of people just thought I was some random gay guy… Sigh. That was an extra bump in the road to make outs. So I started slipping lines like “Oh yeah, when I was a lesbian…”, “When I was a little girl…”, or “I am a Tranny, and I like girls” into conversation. You know, subtle hints like that.
Pocket Lesbian deserves a trophy, she was a wicked wing man. She introduced me to a girl that I will call Voodoo. I pick the name Voodoo because it fits with the David Bowie theme. Not because she pointed a bone and cast some spells, though she was very enchanting. However, thinking back she did have a bunch of random guys hooting at her like they had a bone to point because of her. Ha ha.
Voodoo knew who I was and had read the blog before. As you all know I am awkward as hell, and this stayed true while I was in Winnipeg. Luckily I had my good friend Beer to help me get up the courage to talk to Voodoo giving myself a chance to be awkwardly charming.
She is very witty and quick, which you know I love. I had a fantastic time flirting with her. She jokingly asked if she was going to make it onto the blog. I said she would have to do something in order to make the blog and that she knew how awkward I was with first moves, so she should make it. That bit of flirting made all the time it takes to keep this blog going worth it.
She made the first move!
We were dancing, and she suggested we go outside and cool off. Once we were outside she asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Then yeah, happy make out time. Except for the people who were walking between bars and kept hooting at us, or complimenting my green pants.
That tender moment did not last nearly long enough. It was interrupted by a text from the friend I was supposed to be staying with. Apparently she was tired, and wanted to leave right then. Cock block! It was only 1:30ish and I didn’t want to leave yet. Luckily I didn’t have to because Pocket Lesbian said I could crash at her place.
When the party ended around 2:30am Pocket Lesbian and I wandered over to Gio’s, the gay bar, and stayed there for less than thirty minutes. We adventured back to her place where the after party was happening. What I walked in on was the thing of ANY sexual being dreams. I don’t care if you are a man, woman, tranny, none of the above, all of the above, gay, straight, bi… Two lesbians in glitter and spandex wresting is a very good thing. No words. Just amazing.
I really hope I am not coming across like one of those asshole straight guys who will approach two girls and tell them to make out, then ask if they want to go home with them.
Side note -- Having spent the majority of my sexual life as a Lesbian I have had the pleasure of meeting many of those guys, so I feel like I can speak for all the girls who have ever been in that situation: “Fuck off. You are nasty and you can’t get one straight girl. What makes you think two Queer girls would want you? Your penis is not a gift from God, nor is it the missing piece from our lives. Get the fuck away if you plan on keeping it for later when you jerk off alone in your Mom’s basement.” - End of side note.
We hung out on River Ave at Pocket Lesbians’s place for a while, then a group of us decided to go get breakfast. Yes, it was now late enough (early enough?) to get breakfast at a restaurant. Champions. We had a ridiculously fun time at breakfast, then we went back to Pocket Lesbian’s place because it was about 7:30am. I was still really wired though. I think my brain just didn’t know what to do anymore. It has been overstimulated with all the hot girls in glittery tights. I seriously laid on the couch with my eyes open not really registering that I was seeing anything. I believe this is called a ‘Disco Nap’.
Eventually I fell asleep. Well, kind of, I kept waking up to the others in the house dragging their tired, hung over asses out the door to work. Seriously, these girls know how to party. There is absolutely no way in hell that I could have worked after partying like we did. I could barely consentrate on driving home Sunday I was so tired and hung over.
LONGEST WALK OF SHAME EVER!
10 hours! It spanned two provinces. I had glitter on half of my head, I was still wearing my spandex pants, sparkle shirt and circus ring leader blazer. I hadn’t showered, and I smelled like the inside of a boot. I was running on two hours sleep, and two cups of coffee. The only thing that kept me going was the high of how awesome this weekend was.
I have rings under my eyes bigger than Rihanna does after she folds Chris’ tighty whities wrong and he loses it. OOOOOH. Yeah, I am still making Chris Brown jokes. Shut up, they are golden and I like to remind people about what an ass he is.
Anyway, best walk of shame in my history. I want a reward, like a trophy with a button that turns on a recording of all the whispers I got along with the pointing and general looks of disappoval while stopped at gas stations. Apparently Bowie wear is not appropriate for a Sunday afternoon? Whatever, they were all just jealous. They miss their youth and crazy adventures. I would hate myself too if I was stuck in a mini van full of screaming kids on my way to Sunday mass with a wife that wants to divorce me, but can’t because the priest would frown. Ouuuu! Too far? Too much?
Best weekend of the summer by far, way better than all of Pride week combined. The idea of moving out there has definitely taken firm root in my brain. Winnipeg has more than just phenomenal parties to offer. The Queer community seems really great, Osborne village is exactly the kind of place I love to hang out and rent is cheaper than it is in Saskatoon. I could just transfer to the University out there. I am already registered for another year of classes at UofS, but I will roll the idea around in my head for next year.
I am going to leave you with more Bowie!
“For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me.”
P.S. Go LIKE the River Avenue girls!
- Avery Eros Finley