New Wave of Nerd

Happy New Decade Champs!

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight.

No more staying up til 3am, no more sleeping in til noon, showering is no longer the biggest accomplishment of my day – classes are back on. All my classes are six credits, so they carry over to this term. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I know what to expect from them, but I am getting bored and frustrated with a couple of them. Especially my English class, it is through St. Thomas Moore. I haven’t had a problem with any other classes I have through that college, but this Prof relates EVERYTHING back to Jesus. EVERYTHING! Writings that aren’t related to the bible in any way become a story about temptation with the devil, or Adam and Eve.
No! Sorry, I am pretty sure the poem is about a girl who gave it up to some guy, and he didn’t call her back.
Besides that I am glad to be back at classes. I feel productive, and the rest of my life falls into place once I have a schedule.

So much is coming together in my life, it is rejuvenating! I feel like I have got a second wind, and am ready to make changes in my life. Maybe change is too strong a word, I think commitment better fits. I am ready to make commitments in my life. I want to challenge myself, because that is the only way I will grow. Recently I have begun to feel that familiar itch of not challenging myself enough. The last time I felt this feeling I registered for university last minute. For the last month I have been thinking about what I can do to make that feeling go away, and I figured out the path to the growth I need. I am not making drastic changes, only recommitting my focus to areas of my life that I have already changed.

I am not drinking anymore. I know I only started drinking six months ago, but I have had all the experiences that I wanted from it. I had really fun nights, adventures that I remember and laugh about. I let myself act my age, and I experienced nights everyone should have. I had my drunken make outs, and the professing of truths sponsored by liquid courage. I don’t have any attachment to drinking, so this will be easy enough. There is one small acception to this though, I have a really wonderful bottle of champagne that is part of a plan set in place a long time ago. It is part of Juliet’s Christmas present, if we ever hang out again and I get to give it to her I am allowing myself to drink from it.

I am going to work out regularly, and expand the activities I do. At this point I work out from home with some equipment I have, but I want to do more. I want to work hard to get the most from all the changes testosterone is creating in my body. If I am putting on muscle this quickly just with testosterone think of how much I can put on with working out regularly. Really think about it for a second, I am flexing for you right now. I want the sight of my biceps to cause small children to cry! If you need a work out buddy let me know! You can introduce me to a new way of working out. I am going to start going to yoga again, which is connected to another commitment I am making.

I am going to meditate more often. I have practiced meditating for the last few years of my life with various amounts of commitment to it. It has always been a solid pillar that keeps me strong and focussed. I make better choices, and keep in touch with myself when I practice it. I pay more attention to what I say, what I think and how I act. I am just an overall better person when I do it.

I have had ‘Goodbye My Lover’ by James Blunt stuck in my head for the last couple days, it needs to stop. I keep serenading random objects every time I put them down. It was funny for me the first dozen times it happened, but now I can’t even put my tooth brush back in its holder without it popping into my head. The only solution is for someone to serenade ME. I think that would be enough closure.

Random fact about Avery – Back in the day (a few years ago) I learned how to play ‘Goodbye My Lover’ on the guitar, so I could woo the ladies. Mad skills! This was after learning how to play ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias, and having that fail miserably at getting me make outs.

Speaking of failing miserably with girls, Juliet is not really talking to me anymore. Awesome. It really sucks because she was my favorite person to have adventures with. Things that wouldn’t be an adventure with anyone else were an adventure with her. She was the person I confided in most, about serious stuff and about random things. I guess I can to take this as a lesson that things are not permanent and change forms. It  is just hard to have someone become a pillar in your life, and then leave.

An old friend recently came back into my life, and it feels like it is going to be something important. We met in grade nine, back when we were far from our prime. I was a terrified awkward kid my first day of high school, and she was the very first person to smile at me in the halls. We had a couple classes together. To me she was this beautiful girl who never ceased to captivate my attention. She had a very adventurous life, with this crazy hippy family. I remember one time for class we walked over to her house and brought back her pet ducks for show and tell. She had been home schooled her whole life, and was SO smart. She used to get so frustrated over all the silly things they taught us. She didn’t come back after grade nine. Since then she has always popped into my thoughts.

Thanks to the power of Facebook we got back into touch with each other. Over the holidays she came back to Saskatoon, and we met up for coffee. Normally I hate running into people I went to high school with, it is always awkward. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I have changed a lot since then, so it is always weird to catch up. But coffee with her wasn’t like that at all, it didn’t feel like we hadn’t seen each other in six years. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of familiarity, it just felt right. Talking with her was easy, we joked around and were open with each other.

Right now she lives in Montreal, but she is thinking about moving back to Saskatoon. I really hope she does. Usually I wouldn’t give a codename to someone I knew years ago and met up for coffee once, but this feels different. I have been thinking about this name for a while now, I like to find names that fit the person perfectly. I have though of one that fits her pretty well. There is one other name that fits better, but the time is not right to use it. So for now she is Wild Flower, because she exudes an enchanting energy of beauty and freedom. Carried on the breath of the wind there is no place in the world that she can’t bloom, wherever she chooses to grow she adds beauty to it. Like a wild flower growing on the border of the forrest and on the side of a highway. Signaling the end of paths laid out for us, and marking the start of freedom. Hopefully this isn’t cheesy, I have that tendency.

I have more BIG news to do with my transition. Make sure to watch my next video I will announce what it is. I am very excited, and nervous about it. The video should be up on Monday or Tuesday.

Til then, HELLO WEEKEND! I loveded you Weekend, I loveded you. That is an Invader Zim reference. Google it, and prepare yourself for the cuteness that is Gir. There are a few fictional creatures that I wish for as pets – Gir, a closet hippo, an Ewok, and a pocket monkey. I promise I would walk them every day, and feed them, and love them, and clean up after them. Please!

Anyway, this weekend I am partying with my boys, and going for brunch! A meal that has become a staple in my life after a night of crazy antics.

- With all the love in my Superhero heart,

Eros

I am really jealous of everyone during this time of year. I don’t like feeling jealous no matter what the situation, because than I feel like I am not appreciating what I do have.
My family doesn’t really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don’t see each other.

Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn’t really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn’t like that in my family. I don’t have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won’t be hugs and ‘I love you’s’, just awkward pats and silence.

My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won’t hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery’s house. ‘Tis the season.

I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing ‘I love you’ from a family member.

This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn’t the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.

If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.

I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.

Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.

I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn’t into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn’t want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.

She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental ‘whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you’. There was no pile of clothes, she didn’t have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.

Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.

Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn’t drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn’t foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn’t think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.

It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn’t be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn’t get one, instead she said she didn’t think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.

Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn’t fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn’t want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn’t upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.

I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn’t want to do that to me.

I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I’ve been in. I said that I don’t feel like a back up plan to her.

I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don’t think is as amazing as she. I don’t want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn’t the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.

She still didn’t think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn’t answered.

I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.

It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can’t trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.

The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn’t end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.

I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn’t let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.

That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.

I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn’t full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don’t get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!

It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don’t get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.

For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren’t supposed to talk about at a party.

Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.

T Video on Monday!

- Avery

Right now, I love you forever.
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don’t think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.

Love is the driving force in my life. Don’t confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren’t the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.

I really don’t like the theory of ‘two become one’. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don’t think it is a healthy way to live. A person can’t rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet’s company so much.

I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.

Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.

I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.

The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn’t it always?

Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn’t know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex’s, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.

So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.

I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia’s for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.

I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.

I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.

As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don’t care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! “Ugg” is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn’t pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.

I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.

I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.

Next update due on Monday! T related video.

This past Sunday is now the ideal that I will compare all future Sundays to. It is in the top 10 best days I have ever had. I was laying in my fort reading mylifeisaverage.com when I got a text from Juliet wanting to go for brunch, and not just any brunch, a Bessborough brunch. We looked like unshowered, hipster hoodlums; which we are, but the place was so classy it was noticeable! The food was oh so tasty. I had sushi, cheese, AND an omelette all in one meal.

After brunch I had a heavenly piece of vanilla cloud, otherwise known as a well-made London Fog. I planned on writing an essay, but ended up puttering around the internet. After the weekend I had a day full of happiness and magic was deserved.

I hung out at Hogwarts for a few hours before I went to Flint for Slam Poetry. Holy. It was beautiful! The place was packed, and for the first time ever all the spots for poets filled. It was three hours of magic. The poets cast spells on us with their words. My friend Sage lived up to her alter ego name. She was profound, and honest in her poems. Her skills have developed so quickly. I am in complete awe of her. All the poets were amazing, and the crowd was wicked. The crowd was reactive to the poems. There was lots of booing for bad judge calls, finger snapping for touching lines, and yells of agreement throughout the poems. I hope this is the beginning of how the slams are going to be from now on.

I hope all the happiness, and fun experienced this weekend are the start of something long term. Minus the breaking of my parent’s hearts, this was the best weekend I have had in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who was present, and made this weekend as full of love as it was.

It has finally snowed. I’m not thrilled about it. I keep having flashes of what it feels like to walk outside in -40 weather. Or that split second when your hand freezes to the door knob and you’re not sure if it will come off. I happen to extremely clumsy, and I tend to stumble a lot. This only increases as the sidewalks get icy. While walking anywhere in the city I constantly have the irrational fear that I will slip and fall tongue first onto one of the many chunky, rusty sculptures littered throughout our city.

I am not a complete Grinch about winter. I am excited to go ice skating, and sledding this year. My first date ever was ice skating on the rink beside the Bess; I was 17 haha. Ahh, a late bloomer. I am also really excited to have a warm drink and curl up by a window. Not only does it make me look like I am full of wise thoughts, but it is really relaxing. In celebration of school being done, and of me being a complete nerd I have found a bunch of recipes to make Butterbeer. Yup, from Harry Potter. I am way too excited about this and don’t know why I haven’t tried to make it before. The recipes are all very different. Some have apple cider, beer, milk, ice cream, soda or different kinds of butterscotch in them. I will try them all, and let you know which one is the winner.

My goal of making out on the 3rd floor of the library has yet to be fulfilled. The girl from this weekend just had a break up, so we actually studied on the 3rd floor. I have all of the next term for it to happen. I will continue my foot tapping under the cubicles in hopes that someone will pick up on it. I will make it happen!

R-R-R-Rant Time! I am writing this in the library on campus, and I am about to knock out a first year couple. They have been sitting across from me for about an hour, and have yet to stop touching. They are talking loudly, and they are not sharing the table! Their shit is slowly creeping across the table. I am left only with a tiny little corner. I feel like I am playing a game of risk and losing all my countries.

I am seriously about two seconds away from running at them full speed and breaking through their hand holding, Red Rover style. Seriously there is NO REASON to hold hands that long in public. What the fuck? Are you scared that if you let go of his hand he is going to run away?

Also, why are you holding hands like you are doing the handshake of Will and Jazz from Fresh Prince. Gross.

They are not the first couple I have seen to act like this. You can find these naive first year couples blocking the arts’ ramp; holding each other like they are Jack and Rose floating in the ocean.
I want to yell at them, and slap them in the face with reality.
“Hey Love Birds! Stop making out for a second. It looks like you are a Mama bird regurgitating into her mouth. Good, now that I have your attention.
GROW UP! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED!
No! It really is not going to happen. What is going to happen is gonna go something like this: The first evening you spend apart from each other he is going to go to a big boy party. Meet a slutty second year, and have the sex that you have been withholding from him last two years.
Oh Honey, don’t cry. It will get better for you too. See after you drown yourself in a tub of ice cream, fail an exam, and get asked by your lab partner to start showering before class you will pick your sorry ass up, dress it in the tightest pair of pants your own, and march yourself to the campus café. This is wear you will meet a boy who won’t remember your name or call you back. BUT he will give you forty bucks for a cab, and a plan B pill. Welcome to university life! Go get ‘em Tiger, Rawr!”

The likelihood that a high school relationship will last in collage is about the same as someone saying that the red bumps on their junk are pimples, and they are actually pimples. Majority of the time high school relationships end, and the “pimples” are herpes.

Whew, I feel better now.
I had a mid term yesterday, one today, and one tomorrow. Than it is party time! This weekend is going to be a ton of fun. I have been listening to Lady Gaga remixes as my study music, and I am ready to actually dance to them.

My next update will be about my first shot of testosterone! There may be a video with it. I am thinking about adding a video portion to the blog. That way I will have a record of the changes I go through, and will be able to notice them week to week. I also plan on doing some picture video thing. I saw a video where a lady took a picture of her stomach every week throughout her pregnancy and than speed them up in a video. It was so cool, you could really see how quickly her body changed.

- Have a good weekend! I hope to see you!

Dreamboat

I am asking for you, my readers, to use your imagination while reading this post. I’ll give you a few seconds to find it. Look under the pile of bills, or the stack of homework you should be doing right now. Dust it off, make sure there are no chunky adult responsibility bits stuck to it. Now use it. It’s like riding a bike, you’ll remember how to do it. Think of sparkly unicorns, little periwinkle fairies, gargantuan blood red and gold dragons. My favourite things to think about are green and purple poke-a-dot long neck dinosaurs with ninjas and Superman riding them. And cupcakes. Didn’t you know that dino’s favourite snacks are cupcakes with sprinkles.

It is so easy to get tangled up, and weighed down by the many responsibilities of our lives. We get so wrapped up in the routines of our lives that are not making us happy. Take a break! A healthy one! We struggled through the work week toward the glowing golden light of a crisp beer at the end of the tunnel. We get loser drunk, wake up cuddling a garden gnome, and only feel worse about the place our lives are in. Why not try something different? I am not saying that waking up with a garden gnome is always bad, but maybe switch it up sometime. This is where your imagination comes in. You don’t have to wait for the weekend to use it. You can whip it out anytime. Your dignity will remain intact, and you won’t have to write any apology letters.

I am writing this update from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Practice using your imagination now. You aren’t reading this on your computer. A few moments ago a spotted brown barn owl dropped a roll of thick and heavy yellow parchment into your lap.

See, so much fun. Really though, I am writing this from Hogwarts. Yesterday night instead of going out partying I built a massive fort, and made a sign for it saying that it was Hogwarts. I am completely happy with my decision. I actually make forts often; I never grew out of it. Everything seems so much more fun if it is happening inside of a fort.
I challenge all of you to make a fort sometime this week, a good one with lots of sheets and chairs. Than tell me about it, post a reply on this update. I triple dog dare you to. Whoa, yeah. I went there.

Random fact about Avery: I was completely devastated when I turned 11, and didn’t get an acceptance letter from Hogwarts. It would STILL make my life if I received a Hogwarts acceptance letter in the mail.

Now it is time for your favourite part of my updates, you nosey little gossips, an update on my romantic life. I mentioned a cute girl and a girl who Facebook stalked me a couple posts back. I need to update more often because both of those situations have already come to an end. They actually ended on the same night, Halloween. It is ironic that I was dressed as Romeo because I left a trail of angry women that night.

I’ll first tell you about the cute girl. She is wicked, pretty much everything I look for in a person. She is a musician and painter, fantastic looking, great sense of fashion, and a really decent kisser ;) haha. But for some reason I just couldn’t develop any romantic feelings toward her. I am not sure why that is. Despite having a lot in common, we just didn’t click. I think I have mentioned before on here, but I experience moments where I instantly FEEL a connection with someone. I’m sure it sounds like hippy talk but when this happens it is like our souls connect or touch in a way that goes deeper than with most people I encounter. When I feel that jolt I know I need to take extra care to develop the relationship with that person. It rarely happens to me, but it is so powerful it is something I wait for to let me know that a person is someone to direct my heart too. It could have also been because my attention was focussed on someone else, Juliet. I tried to give it a fair chance, we went out on a few dates and talked a bit. But I was comparing her to someone she couldn’t win against, even though she was probably better for me.

So Halloween night I am dressed up as Romeo; I even memorized a fair bit of the play. I went to Diva’s for the Halloween competition, which was amazing! My friends are incredible; they put together some awesome costumes. It was filled to capacity that night; wall to wall people in bulky costumes. It was wicked hot, and everyone was loser drunk; so I wasn’t in a great mood. This is when the cute girl shows up at the bar and starts talking to me, which is fine. I am happy to see her. While we are yelling a conversation at each other over the music, friends of mine keep coming up to me to talk. Not wanting to be rude by ignoring them, I talk with them. When the friend would leave, I would turn back to the cute girl and continue talking with her. I could tell she was feeling upset, maybe because she felt ignored or something. I think I did the right thing, I am not going to blatantly ignore a friend who comes to talk. At some point another friend came up to me to talk, and when I turned back around she was gone. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but I am not sure what she was expecting that night. A bar on Halloween is no the place to have heart felt conversations, or really any conversation at all.

I didn’t try to find her that night and fix things. To be honest, I never called or got into contact with her, which is probably not the nicest thing to do. But I didn’t see the point since I had made my decision to not go on any more dates with her. I had figured out that I just didn’t feel it with her, so contacting her and getting together would have just lead her on.

This plan worked out fantastically well until I walked into a party last week and she was there. Awkward. Awkward as hell. Once I got up the courage I went to talk to her. It was awkward; we kinda tip toed around what happened without really talking about it. But after the party we talked to each other again and worked everything out. We were honest about everything, and she didn’t seem hurt at all. In fact she is going on dates with someone new, so it all worked out well for her.

Okay, back to Halloween night. I already have one angry girl at me in the bar, when my stalker shows up. She wasn’t actually a stalker . . . she just showed up at all the places I was.
Back story to this situation, pay attention because this is everything not to do if you ever want my attention. She approached me in the hallway at school to introduced herself and made small talk. A couple hours later she sent me a really long Facebook message saying nothing but how cute she thought I was. I ignored it. Don’t get me wrong, I love when people compliment me. But if the only thing you tell me about yourself is how much you like me, I don’t know anything about you. Kissing my ass is not going to get my attention, tell me your thoughts on something else, anything else! Let me know you have a brain, and a wicked sense of humour.

So the next day I am at my Fortress of Solitude, my favourite café, and she shows up. The Fortress of Solitude is my second home; almost all of my happy memories from the last three years are somehow connected to it. If I feel threatened that my happy place could be made an awkward place to attend I act in a way similar to the way a mother bear reacts to a person who is in between her and her cubs. Do not mess with my Fortress of Solitude.

I am there working really hard on an essay, when this girl sits down at the table beside mine. She starts up a conversation and not wanting it to be even more weird than it already is, because I ignored her message, I go along with it. After the small talk I get back to writing my essay when she throws a fucking paper air plane at me! Yeah. Not only that, but she has written another message telling me how cute I was on it. Awesome. She stays there for about two hours, before she leaves. I go to Diva’s that night and guess who is there. Yay. So I spent the whole night avoiding her. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone in a club that small? It takes incredible skill, and completely ruins any chance at having a good time. Throughout the night I was approached by a few people asking me if I was dating anyone. I didn’t think anything of it until later in the night when a friend came over and asked if “I liked that loud and obnoxious blonde over there.” Sigh. Ah, I remember when I asked Lindsay to ask Ian to ask Stacey if Ashley liked me; I was in grade two. Seriously, why not just pass a note through the club that says “Do you like me? Yes, no, maybe. Check one”. Time to act like grown ups.

Halloween night she shows up at the bar, and while I was on the dance floor a friend of mine grabbed me and danced me off in another direction. I figured he just wanted to dance. Nope. I had been lead into a trap. He danced me over against the wall, and guess who was standing there. Surprise! It seemed like she told every person in the bar that she liked me, and wrangled them into getting my attention for her. So in the most non graceful way possible I literally danced out of that situation. But not before I told the friend that danced me into that situation that I am not interested in that girl at all. I haven’t heard from her since than, but we have a couple classes near each other so I see her daily and it is kinda weird.

I’m quite sure I have been securely placed in the friend zone with Juliet. Which sucks, but she is a really, really fantastic person and I am extremely happy to have her as a close friend. Now I just need to stop lusting after her and it will be cool haha.

I may or may not have had a date last week. I’m not exactly sure what it was, we went to supper than watched a couple movies. I hope it was a date, they are a super interesting. I’ll keep you up to date with that one.

I had the best night out in a really long time on Friday. I went to Lydia’s to watch Kinnie Starr, and The Fugitives. When you are done reading this post, google them both. They are amazing! Kinnie Starr played a few tender songs, than she got up and laid down some slam poetry! SLAM POETRY. A few were call and response, and the audience got into it. One was about oral sex, of course everyone got into lol. The Fugitives sound a bit like the band Mother Mother, who if you haven’t heard them are fantastic. They were basically slam poetry set to music. Unlike anything I’ve every heard, they completely blew my mind.

What was even better than the music was the crowd, most of my favourite lesbians and people in the city where there. It was a nice change to see everyone outside of Diva’s. I had some crazy experiences that night. The feeling of the night can really be summarized by a conversation I had with my friend Gaze about pubic hair. I don’t remember how we got talking about this subject, but I’m glad we did.

*Spoiler Alert . . . Sort of. Intimate Details about to be discussed*

I admitted to wanting to shave my pubes into the Harry Potter lightening bolt. Yup. Try not thinking about that next time you see me HA. She said that she wanted to shave a mistletoe, and than dye it the proper colours. We than discussed everything that would go with that. People would have to kiss while under neither it.
That night I was handed two handfuls of condoms by a lady dressed up as Wonder Woman or Super Girl, I don’t remember. But I can say that was the first time I have ever experienced that.

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of sexual tension that filled Lydia’s that night. It was like a game of musical chairs was being played. While the music was playing everyone pranced around the dance floor and when the song stopped you flirted with the person you ended up beside. Everyone had a good time, and it didn’t end in drama. If anyone was declared the winner of that game of music chairs, it would have been me. The band introduced a song by saying that for the length of the song the audience was supposed to make out with the person that they didn’t think they stood a chance with. Zing (I mentioned her in some previous posts) and I had spent a fair bit of the night standing beside each other when the musical chair songs stopped, but instead of flirting with each other as we had been throughout the night we decided to take what the band said to heart and find someone to make out with. I went and found an incredibly captivating lady friend, and charmed her. She and I have a little bit of a history, while I was in high school I had a total crush on her. The one and only time I ended up in her bed (to cuddle!) I over slept and was late for my physics final. It was totally worth it though haha. So I went up to her, and turned on my flirting skills. I asked if she had heard what the band said while introducing the song, she hadn’t so I repeated it to her. She said she would, but that she was here with someone. To which I replied, “so we should go around the corner?” and started walking toward it. She followed laughing, but said she couldn’t tonight. But that I should text her on Monday, so that we can make out in the library. WIN! It has been a goal of mine since starting school to have library make outs. I’ll let you know if it actually happens, actually I may not need to. If you feel the Earth tremble a bit on Monday afternoon that is me doing a happy dance.

Tonight I am going to slam poetry at Flint, a lot of the same people who were at Lyd’s on Friday will be out tonight. I am hoping that we can make tonight as epic as that night was.

I promised you all a rant about sweats, prepare yourself for it. I hate sweats with a passion. I don’t own a single pair. If I did, I would not wear them outside of the house. Ever. If the house was burning down and I was wearing sweats I would change out of them before running out of the building. It is not okay to wear sweats out in public. Apparently the majority of people attending University were never told this. I see so many people at school wearing the most ridiculous outfits. I have seen a girl wearing grey stained sweats, tucked into COWBOY BOOTS! What?! Excuse me, but I am not paying thousands of dollars to be visually assaulted like that. You know you are on a Saskatchewan campus when. Way to go Ag students, working hard to keep everyone believing Saskatchewan is full of hicks. I also have seen many students wearing sweats with a fancy club shirt. Uh . . . that doesn’t work. Maybe they think they can balance out their outfit by wearing the two extremes. My disgust applies to guys who wear sweats as well. Just don’t do it. If I have to see your junk jiggling around while I am trying to think about what the soul is, you are going to find out what happens to the soul after death. If I don’t see your junk while you are wearing sweats, I am judging you. I assume you have a tiny man bit. So you see it is a lose-lose situation.

This is really long, hopefully you didn’t get bored halfway through. I will update again soon. I told my parents, so I will let you know how that is going. I actually will update more often, lots of people have told me they read this so I have motivation to keep writing. They love me! They really love me!

- Avery Eros Finley (House of Gryffindor)

So much for my promise for more consistent updates. It counts if I am consistent at being inconsistent, right? Right?

This isn’t an actual update. This is me procrastinating on writing a sociology paper due on Tuesday. I WILL update a few times some time this week.
I will probably have an update about Trans Remembrance Day. I’ve been asked to give a speech.
A post on coming out to my parents. I plan on telling them on Tuesday after I hand in this sociology paper.
A post containing: a rant about sweats, love life update, charm/wit, and maybe a deep insight into the human life.

See, lots to look forward too!

I think I am going to start posting the links of my updates to Facebook. I think it will bring in more readers, cause at this point only a person who really looks at my profile finds this blog.

Okay Friends, check back in a couple days.

- Eros

Do you take cream, or sugar? Would like a cookie?
Writing this blog makes me feel like we (me the author of this blog, and you the reader of this blog) are talking over coffee. It has everything a coffee date needs, a friendly catch up, a little bit of gossip, and discussing what is going on in the world.

First off I need to get something off my chest. This is serious, and it has really been a burden on me. I have begun to be secretive, and embarrassed of my actions. I think if I talk about them to you whom I trust I can start to feel better about it.
Okay.. Here goes.. I love True Blood.
More than I secretly love Lindsay Lohan, and even more than how strongly I wish for her acting career to return to the prime state it was in during Mean Girls, or even Parent Trap.

I love the TV series. I think whatsherface Rouge is perfect as Sookie.
I am so addicted to True Blood that whenever I see Sookie’s name I repeat it in my head the way Bill says it.
Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie.

I bought the book set, which consists of eight books, and finished it in less than three weeks.
I passionately picked the side of one of Sookie’s love interests, in a fashion similar to the way my mother feels about love stories on her soap operas.
I have a problem. I admit it, and that is the first step.

Okay, whew. Now that I have cleared my conscious, it is back to business.

I survived midterms, and got one back today. I got 85%, which I am pretty happy with. However those people who came into contact with me during midterm week didn’t fair well. When I am stressed, I turn into a giant gross zit that explodes on those around me for making tiny demands, like wanting an answer to the question of how my day was, or returning a smile they shared with me.
I’m going to leave you sit for a minute with the image of a gigantic human sized zit exploding on someone. Not a black head type zit, but a real pussy (head out of the gutter!) white head full of goo.

Okay? Yeah? Still holding down your lunch? Good! Then I will continue.

I got some very interesting news in the T department today. My friend who got his referral to the same doctor I am going to see got news of his appointment today. He starts testosterone on Wednesday. The doctor we are going to see is apparently really busy all the time because he does a bunch of stuff other then the transition thing. My friend got his referral three months ago, and just heard from the doctor today. But this news makes me think I am going to hear from the doctor right away too. From the sounds of it he does his own booking of appointments with people referred to him, so for me it makes the most sense that he will do all the booking for trans patients referred to him at once. I am assuming because of the size of Saskatoon, and how small the Queer community is that my friend and I were the only ones referred to him in the last three months. Which means that I should be getting a call tomorrow (crossing all of my fingers, and praying to Buddha), and get an appointment to start T next week!
I really hope that is how it happens, I don’t want to wait two months or more to hear from him. I just want to be me. Be prepared for a very depressed Avery if I don’t hear from him within the next week.

The reality that it could happen as soon as next week has really made me focus. There are things I feel like I need to do.
One thing I desperately need to do is tell me parents. I didn’t think I would hear from him this fast, so I put it off. But they need to know before I start T. If I hear from the doctor tomorrow, I will tell my parents the same day. Friends be prepared for the possibility of me sleeping on your couch for a night. I think knowing the day I get start will help me with telling them, because no matter how they react it is going to happen. I think they will do okay with it, I know it is going to shock them and take time for them to be okay. I am thinking it will kinda be like me telling them I like girls, only I am hoping it will go better since they’ve already gone through it once. It was rough at first, but they got better with time. That is what I expect of them.

Another thing I feel like I have to do is hug all the people I care about one last time in this body. For me it won’t be a good-bye hug, because I am finally becoming the real me. But more a Thank you/Remembrance hug. You people have added to my happiness and kept me going in the rough patches. We have so many memories together with me in this body, and I just want to honour those memories with a hug and welcome in the new memories we are going to make. But I am aware that maybe those people need will to say a good-bye in some way to the body I have had throughout our relationship.

Also, I feel like I need to have a tribute to this body. Really become fully aware of every part of it, and thank it. Honour it, the way it has honoured and loved me. A long meditation session is needed.
I don’t feel like this is going to be the death of this body, it may sound that way but it is in fact the exact opposite. I know that this body is going to grow, and become all that it should be. I feel like I should honour it one last time in the form it is now.

Another note on my transition is how well the pronoun change is going. The people around me are phenomenal. I am proud to be around my friends. They are trying so hard to use the right pronouns. It doesn’t both me one bit if they slip up because I can see they are trying, which means they respect me.

‘I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one’, was the first sentence I learned how to sign using sign language. Random fact about Mr. Fin, also a wicked segway (every time I heard that word I think of those scooter things…hey! Something shiny!) into my next topic, which is what I appreciate most, girls.

Things are going really well in that department.
I got hit on, and then Facebook stalked by some girl yesterday.
Juliet and I are still in contact. Pretty much in the same place I mentioned last post, which was up in the air. But I enjoy floating, so I’m okay with it.

I went on a date with a new girl. She randomly flirted with me this summer at an ice-cream place she worked at, then a couple weeks later we were introduced officially through some friends. She went away to Montreal for a little while, but contacted me recently. I didn’t remember her at all, whoops. After a little while it came back to me, so we went out on a date. I think it went decently well.

But I feel like I may just be going through the motions. Doing what I know I am supposed to be doing but not really connecting. Maybe because I am still happily up in the air with Juliet, and because the new girl really likes me, and chased after me. Which I know is a good thing, and shows that she is not playing games.

But there is some weird part of me that prefers to do the chasing. I usually don’t pay as much attention to those who chase after me, than if it happens the other way around. I don’t know why it is, if you have an idea tell me.
Is it because I target girls that I subconsciously know I won’t get a real relationship with, thus freeing myself from any real pain that might come from a real relationship?
Or it is the complete opposite, maybe I like getting hurt and that is why I pick girls who will play around with me.?
Or maybe it is neither of those options, maybe I pick girls that truly capture my attention and what follows coincidently happens in a similar pattern every time.
I like to think it is the last option.
Wow, I just went all Dr. Phil on ya’ll, just let ‘re buck all over ya’lls. See what I did there. I live in Saskatchewan I know how to talk county hick.

Anyhoodle, we should have coffee again sometime soon. It was really nice to see you again! Okay. Bye, Bye now.
Yeah, but fo rizzle. I wIlL uPdAtE yOu aS sOoN aS I hEaR fRoM tHe DoCtOr AbOuT t, oR sOoNeR iF tHaT dOeSn’T hApPeN RiGhT aWay.

P.S. If you ever talk to me like that in text or on the computer I will find you, and cunt punch you so hard that your grandbabies feel it.

P.P.S. SOOKIE!

That is all.

- Mr. Fin

Flannel shirts, mullets, and the appearance of unkempt physical hygiene can all individually add a spice to ones style.

However, I don’t ever, EVER, want to see two or more of those qualities on one person. I repeat, INDIVIDUALLY THEY CAN ADD A SPICE TO ONES STYLE.

It is a slippery slop though, so tread with caution.

A flannel shirt on one person can project a grungy 90’s feel. While the same shirt on another person can make them look like a Rosanne re-run.

Note how I said APPEARANCE of unkempt physical hygiene. You want to look dirty, greasy and gross. But not actually be those things.

Say you ignore this advice and you put on your Kurt Cobain like flannel shirt, and decide to skip your shower and hair routine. If someone on the street gives you their spare change,I will not be surprised. It’s because you look like a hobo. Not even a sexy hobo, just a hobo.

That is all.

“So, do you wanna make out to Nickelback?”
Yes Folks that is a line I used this weekend. Stand in awe of my skills, because it actually worked! Haha. I am King!

Seriously though, how can a girl turn down a kiss when there is a drag queen crying on stage, and Nickelback is blaring. She can’t. She just can’t.

I will explain.
I met this girl in the winter of 08, and we instantly clicked. We banter back and forth like it is a tennis match between the Williams sisters. I must be Venus, because I always win. We flirted, and had fun in the winter. But like all the interesting girls I meet, she moved away. I am going to call this girl Zing, for her incredible amount of wit and sass.
Zing moved away for about six months, she just returned home this weekend. We ran into each other, and things picked right up where they had been. She isn’t really the type of person I go for, but maybe that is a good thing. Because the people I have been going for have not been working out.

I spent the night pointing out things that were unique to Saskatchewan, things she hadn’t experienced in six months. Which is how this pick up line came about. Is there anything more unique to Saskatchewan then Nickelback playing in a bar? It is hard to think of something that is. Also there was a drag queen crying on stage, how much more of a unique moment can there be for a first kiss.

The wedding I went to this weekend was beautiful. I cried like a baby. It was really wonderful to see two people who love each other so much celebrate it.
I brought my brother to the wedding, because Silk Spectre couldn’t make it last minute. I felt a little bit like bringing a cousin to the prom, but I am glad I brought my bro. I had a blast with him.
We took a ton of pictures, which I have gotten a lot of feed back on. Mostly people telling me how beautiful my brother is. This is no surprise to me. I have been trying to explain for the last year how pretty he is.
What was a surprise was someone I am having ’summer fun’ with show interest in him. I don’t know why I even bother with straight girls. I never compare to a guy with them. It stings an extra amount because it was to my brother this time.
It did however get me motivated to work out. Nothing like a crumbling self esteem to get me doing push ups. I just have to accept I’m not ever going to win with straight girls. I am a fun fling to them, and I have been okay with that for the last year. But I’m not sure it is what I want anymore. I want someone that is proud to be with/around me, and not only when their friends or guys aren’t looking.

This is a clip from a conversation I had with a friend:
Friend – “I want someone I can see the world with.”
Me – “I want someone who sees the world in me, because that is what I see in the people I love.”

It struck me how much I want that, I didn’t even realize it til I said it. I think going to the wedding got me thinking about my life. Half of me couldn’t stop celebrating my freedom, but the other half was lonely. The night was filled with couples holding hands, slow dancing, and soft kisses on each others cheek. I haven’t had any of that in almost a year, and I miss it. But do I miss it enough to quiet the nomadic heart I have, or the questions that I need to find answers too?

Tonight is the midnight showing of HARRY POTTER! I am so excited! I am going with my Dad right after I finish work. I know I am going to cry when Dumbledore is killed, and I am kinda hoping my Dad does too. He is not one to cry, but if there is a reason to cry this is it.

This weekend also happens to be my favourite weekend of the entire year! It is the Ness Creek Music Festival! HAPPY-NESS! Four days in the Boral forest surrounded by love, hippies, friends and music. Falling asleep to the distant beat of a drum circle is beautiful. It doesn’t get any better then that.
Ness Creek is the Las Vegas of Saskatchewan. What happens in Ness Creek, stays in Ness Creek. People get crazy! There are all kinds of drugs everywhere, though I have a ton of fun without them. It is a 24 hour, four day party. I’m really excited to be surrounded by great people, with something always going of for us to do.

Once I recover from the Ness I will post about what happened. It is guaranteed to be filled with adventures.

HAPPY-NESS

Avery Eros

Two happy new mothers sit at a table near by.
Accompanying them, two baby daughters.
Past the ugly, alien baby stage.
Into the cute, ball of goo phase.
An explosion of pink has erupted all over the young girls,
binding them to an assumed gender.

Sitting next to me studying sheets of paper is a woman,
just reaching the age where the thought of inheriting her mothers mustache constantly haunts her.
As the mothers ‘ooo’ and ‘awe’ over their belly fruit.
I see the studying woman’s biological clock strike midnight.
Ovaries ding and dong off her uterus,
reminding her of the child she does not have.
Estrogen pulses through her veins,
eyes scan the café for a potential father.
Unsuccessful, her eyes fall back to her papers.
Next a wave of denial washes over her.
She convinces herself that her work and career are more important at this moment.

The mothers share stories of first smiles and frilly dresses,
spouting all the accepted lines of motherhood.
Not mentioning the mental break down of last week,
or the fact that their husbands don’t look at them anymore. Now that they don’t have time to straighten their hair.

From the back of my mind unexpected thoughts rush forward.
Thoughts of coaching the ball team, and helping with science projects.
A phantom ache forms in my ribs, where a future glowing whale of a woman has elbowed me in the night.
Asking for ice cream with only pink and green sprinkles decorating it,
hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, and a grilled peanut butter pickle sandwich.

The studious woman’s ovaries are drown out by the rustling of her papers.
The mothers lies by their gurgling daughters
And my maddy instincts are silenced with a grin and charming words, directed at the blonde two tables away.