New Wave of Nerd

Happy New Decade Champs!

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight.

No more staying up til 3am, no more sleeping in til noon, showering is no longer the biggest accomplishment of my day – classes are back on. All my classes are six credits, so they carry over to this term. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I know what to expect from them, but I am getting bored and frustrated with a couple of them. Especially my English class, it is through St. Thomas Moore. I haven’t had a problem with any other classes I have through that college, but this Prof relates EVERYTHING back to Jesus. EVERYTHING! Writings that aren’t related to the bible in any way become a story about temptation with the devil, or Adam and Eve.
No! Sorry, I am pretty sure the poem is about a girl who gave it up to some guy, and he didn’t call her back.
Besides that I am glad to be back at classes. I feel productive, and the rest of my life falls into place once I have a schedule.

So much is coming together in my life, it is rejuvenating! I feel like I have got a second wind, and am ready to make changes in my life. Maybe change is too strong a word, I think commitment better fits. I am ready to make commitments in my life. I want to challenge myself, because that is the only way I will grow. Recently I have begun to feel that familiar itch of not challenging myself enough. The last time I felt this feeling I registered for university last minute. For the last month I have been thinking about what I can do to make that feeling go away, and I figured out the path to the growth I need. I am not making drastic changes, only recommitting my focus to areas of my life that I have already changed.

I am not drinking anymore. I know I only started drinking six months ago, but I have had all the experiences that I wanted from it. I had really fun nights, adventures that I remember and laugh about. I let myself act my age, and I experienced nights everyone should have. I had my drunken make outs, and the professing of truths sponsored by liquid courage. I don’t have any attachment to drinking, so this will be easy enough. There is one small acception to this though, I have a really wonderful bottle of champagne that is part of a plan set in place a long time ago. It is part of Juliet’s Christmas present, if we ever hang out again and I get to give it to her I am allowing myself to drink from it.

I am going to work out regularly, and expand the activities I do. At this point I work out from home with some equipment I have, but I want to do more. I want to work hard to get the most from all the changes testosterone is creating in my body. If I am putting on muscle this quickly just with testosterone think of how much I can put on with working out regularly. Really think about it for a second, I am flexing for you right now. I want the sight of my biceps to cause small children to cry! If you need a work out buddy let me know! You can introduce me to a new way of working out. I am going to start going to yoga again, which is connected to another commitment I am making.

I am going to meditate more often. I have practiced meditating for the last few years of my life with various amounts of commitment to it. It has always been a solid pillar that keeps me strong and focussed. I make better choices, and keep in touch with myself when I practice it. I pay more attention to what I say, what I think and how I act. I am just an overall better person when I do it.

I have had ‘Goodbye My Lover’ by James Blunt stuck in my head for the last couple days, it needs to stop. I keep serenading random objects every time I put them down. It was funny for me the first dozen times it happened, but now I can’t even put my tooth brush back in its holder without it popping into my head. The only solution is for someone to serenade ME. I think that would be enough closure.

Random fact about Avery – Back in the day (a few years ago) I learned how to play ‘Goodbye My Lover’ on the guitar, so I could woo the ladies. Mad skills! This was after learning how to play ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias, and having that fail miserably at getting me make outs.

Speaking of failing miserably with girls, Juliet is not really talking to me anymore. Awesome. It really sucks because she was my favorite person to have adventures with. Things that wouldn’t be an adventure with anyone else were an adventure with her. She was the person I confided in most, about serious stuff and about random things. I guess I can to take this as a lesson that things are not permanent and change forms. It  is just hard to have someone become a pillar in your life, and then leave.

An old friend recently came back into my life, and it feels like it is going to be something important. We met in grade nine, back when we were far from our prime. I was a terrified awkward kid my first day of high school, and she was the very first person to smile at me in the halls. We had a couple classes together. To me she was this beautiful girl who never ceased to captivate my attention. She had a very adventurous life, with this crazy hippy family. I remember one time for class we walked over to her house and brought back her pet ducks for show and tell. She had been home schooled her whole life, and was SO smart. She used to get so frustrated over all the silly things they taught us. She didn’t come back after grade nine. Since then she has always popped into my thoughts.

Thanks to the power of Facebook we got back into touch with each other. Over the holidays she came back to Saskatoon, and we met up for coffee. Normally I hate running into people I went to high school with, it is always awkward. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I have changed a lot since then, so it is always weird to catch up. But coffee with her wasn’t like that at all, it didn’t feel like we hadn’t seen each other in six years. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of familiarity, it just felt right. Talking with her was easy, we joked around and were open with each other.

Right now she lives in Montreal, but she is thinking about moving back to Saskatoon. I really hope she does. Usually I wouldn’t give a codename to someone I knew years ago and met up for coffee once, but this feels different. I have been thinking about this name for a while now, I like to find names that fit the person perfectly. I have though of one that fits her pretty well. There is one other name that fits better, but the time is not right to use it. So for now she is Wild Flower, because she exudes an enchanting energy of beauty and freedom. Carried on the breath of the wind there is no place in the world that she can’t bloom, wherever she chooses to grow she adds beauty to it. Like a wild flower growing on the border of the forrest and on the side of a highway. Signaling the end of paths laid out for us, and marking the start of freedom. Hopefully this isn’t cheesy, I have that tendency.

I have more BIG news to do with my transition. Make sure to watch my next video I will announce what it is. I am very excited, and nervous about it. The video should be up on Monday or Tuesday.

Til then, HELLO WEEKEND! I loveded you Weekend, I loveded you. That is an Invader Zim reference. Google it, and prepare yourself for the cuteness that is Gir. There are a few fictional creatures that I wish for as pets – Gir, a closet hippo, an Ewok, and a pocket monkey. I promise I would walk them every day, and feed them, and love them, and clean up after them. Please!

Anyway, this weekend I am partying with my boys, and going for brunch! A meal that has become a staple in my life after a night of crazy antics.

- With all the love in my Superhero heart,

Eros

Right now, I love you forever.
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don’t think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.

Love is the driving force in my life. Don’t confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren’t the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.

I really don’t like the theory of ‘two become one’. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don’t think it is a healthy way to live. A person can’t rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet’s company so much.

I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.

Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.

I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.

The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn’t it always?

Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn’t know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex’s, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.

So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.

I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia’s for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.

I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.

I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.

As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don’t care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! “Ugg” is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn’t pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.

I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.

I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.

Next update due on Monday! T related video.

My fullest attentions have ever only been directed at people who see beauty. Beauty in forms others do not see. They are aware of the love that exists in every form around them.

So few people I have met have this ability. When I get to know one of these people I see the beauty in them, and I honour it. Now seeing how I am single, with no close friends, you can deduce what happens.

I see this beauty in them, the force that is life. They do not see it in me.
Now this is not just me pouting over all the rejections I have had. Well, maybe it is. But I think it is something more. This is more then a rejection from a stranger, or even a person you knew well. Yes, being rejected by a significant other hurts. But I’ve found that a lot of people have significant others they don’t see beauty in. Not on the level I am talking, their relationships are that of convenience.

How do I know I really like someone? When I can feel a strong enough connection with them that I know with absolute certainty that every fiber of their being is seeking truth.
So when these people, whether they are romantic interests or friends, do not see beauty and truth in me I send myself into pits of thought like the one you are reading. I know that those people recognize and see beauty, and they did not find it in me. Therefore, it must not exist in me.
If these are the people I know without a doubt are the seers of beauty and they only pause for a second on me, what does that mean?

- Eros

Past lives smash
into present life lived.

Future lives love of life’s                                                                                                                                                                                             meet in present time                                                                                                                                                                                                            in the presence of blooming life long love.

I will get down on my knees
and whisper prayers
into the most holy parts of you.

Saturday morning hit us as hard as our hang overs did. I wish I could have seen what I looked like climbing out of my tent every morning.
Dishevelled, limping from sleeping badly, rubbing my eyes from dry contacts, and chugging water to get rid of the desert in my mouth while wandering to the out house for my morning pee. That right there is pure wholesome entertainment.

After I gave my neighbours that entertainment, I went to get some breakfast. After eating I wandered over into third field, I promised Sincerity that I would check on her in the morning. We bumped into each other on the path, and I tag along with her back to the main stage.
She had been having a rough morning, non stop puking. She threw up on an ant. She threw up in the creek.
From her pain came something beautiful, the most witty comment I heard all weekend. A person came up to her, and the following was said.

“Wow! For someone as hung over as you are, you don’t look like you are feeling bad.”
“Really? Because I feel like I just threw up in an outhouse.”

I did convince her to eat something once she was feeling a bit better. It seemed to do the trick because she was fine for the rest of the day. We all separated back to our camp sites for naps, with the plan on meeting up later.
When I got back to my tent, the babes next door were having a picnic. I offered to share my tub of blueberries, if I could sit with them. They accepted, and said I didn’t even need the berries. Score!
We chatted for a while, before they stayed getting ready for the night. I had recognized one of them from somewhere else, the pride festival. These girls were the ‘Condom Fairies’, they put on glittery make up and wings to hand out condoms from the Aids foundation.
They put some glittery football player maks on my face, and we were off for the night. We went separate ways for most of the night. That was until I saw the fairy girl I had recognized from the city. I thought it would be a good idea to give her back one of her condoms, but with my number written on it.
Yup. That didn’t work, I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t hit a home run every time.

Sage preformed on the main stage that night. We all stood right up front, and super fanned. She did an amazing job.

Wing Man and I spent most of this night together, running around talking to different people. We bumped into a friend of mine, and spent the rest of the night with her. Let’s call her Monroe. I had seen her around the city a few times, but never really talked to her. Then we were invited to the same wedding, and were sat at the same table so we got to know each other better.
She and her girlfriend had broken up, but had already planned this Ness trip together so they were stuck tenting with each other.
We all had a ton of fun together. We were never in one spot for long. We completely violated the drum circle, one of the people I was with jumped in there and started drumming away to her own beat. Then dancing like a crazy person, it was funny.

We were walking down a path through third field when we stumbled upon a spot where someone had cut open glow sticks, and poured them all over the ground and plants. They glowed bright in the darkness, I thought it looked like unicorn blood.
Yes, I am a Harry Potter mega fan. I started telling the people who walked by not to drink the unicorn blood or they would live a half life.

We were trying to stay awake til 5am, because Sage was reading at the poetry slam at that time.
We failed.
After the main stage ended, everyone splits off to the Chill tent, or the drum circle. Since we had already stopped at the drum circle, and now there may have been pictures of us up around the area warning others about us.
Warning: Registered Drum Circle Offenders.
So to the Chill Tent it was.

The music was decent, but the crowd sucked. It was full of all the douche bags, like the people who just got back from Craven (A gross country music festival. Where the words most said are: Let’er buck, football, and Get’er done.) These are the people who are ruining Ness Creek, they don’t care about the music or the general hippy vibe it is supposed to have. They just get drunk, and blare rap from their cars. Seriously, rap at a folk music festival is not okay.
We could only stand the douche bags for a few minutes, so we decided to call it a night.

All the partying, and lack of sleep caught up with us Sunday. A lot of people when to the beach before heading home, but we just wanted to get our stuff packed up so we could go home.
I got my site all put away, then went for a little walk. Everyone was winding down, and it was nice to talk to everyone at this time.
I had a coffee, and went to see the creek with Wing Man. It is a beautiful spot. The creek curls around the green surrounding it. The trees rise so high into the sky, and there were tons of dragon flies in the air. Wing Man almost ruined the beautiful moment by saying that it looked like a salad dressing commercial. If it hadn’t been true the moment would have been lost, but it was true. It looked exactly like a salad dressing commercial, when they turn the creek into a flowing river of ranch dressing, and the trees into broccoli.

Sage, Wing Man and I went on a little walk together. It felt like it was the end of something magical, but the beginning of a new level of friendship for us all. We had such a good time with each other that weekend, it would not have been the same without each other. I decided that this was like the Breakfast Club. We came into the festival one person but we all left knowing more about ourselves, thanks to each other. I was the dorky kid, Sage was the weird gothy girl, and Wing Man was the punk misfit. In case you were wondering which character we were.

The drive home flew by for me. I spent the whole time reminiscing on the events of the weekend. Before I knew it I was home, and completely exhausted. I looked like a mess when I walked into my house. I had glitter and mud on my face. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It is a life long decision to put glitter on. It stays with you, and spreads to everything you touch. There is a trail of people from Ness covered in glitter.
I didn’t even have time to nap, even though I desperately needed too. I jumped into the shower and tried to wash the glitter, dirt, and slut off of me. Then my extended Ness started.
I thought it was back to reality, but I was wrong. The energy of Ness came back with me, like a bad case of herpes. That is for the next post! Not me having herpes . . . I don’t have herpes.

Ness is a modern day Woodstock. It has everything Woodstock did:

Hippies – Check
Love, in every sense of the word – Check
Music – Check
Drugs and Alcohol – Check
No shoes – Check
Peace and Friendship – Check

I don’t even know where, or how to get started with this post. So much happened, it was non stop for four days. I’ll summarize each day, and then explain them to make it more clear.
I had planned on posting all four days at once, but it has taken me this long to write two I will post the others later.

Ness Day One – Tag Team. This is the start of a beautiful relationship.
Ness Day Two – Mud, fell down a hill. Wanna make out?
Ness Day Three – I’m not her girlfriend, I’m just the person she makes out with.
P.S. Watch out for the unicorn blood.
Ness Day Four – Breakfast Club Good-byes.

Last year Ness was the best weekend of my entire year, and it didn’t disappoint in reaching that standard again.
This festival happened on the same weekend last year. It was a good marker in helping me notice how much personal change has happened. I was a very different person at this years festival, then how I was last year. Not everything about me changed, the things I like about myself stayed the same. But I have made improvements on things that needed work at this point last year.

Last year I was still very shy, and unsure of my actions. I didn’t talk to very many new people, and I was in bed early every night. This year I met so many new people, and I was bold in my actions. I stayed out and had fun late into the night.
I’m excited to see the improvements, and differences I notice in myself a year from now at next years festival.

I arrived at the festival after some nerve racking fish tailing on the gravel roads leading to the site. I drove to the site I stayed in last year. Not only was it empty, but across the path from it were my good friends. The magic was already starting. I unpacked my site, just in time for some supper before the party started.

The group of friends that were camping close to me consisted of one of my best friends, Sage. She has profound insight into life, and the people around her. She has the most free laugh, when she laughs happiness vibrates out of her.
Wing Man was also in the group. I had only met Wing Man once or twice before hanging out with him here. But I can safely say that we are going to be friends for a long time. He and I click so smoothly. We are very similar people in interests, humour, style, and social interaction. He and I go together better then any pairing in the history of time. Bonnie and Clyde got nothing on us. Garth and Wayne are just chumps. Fuck Peanut butter and Jam. It is all about Tag Team.

What is this Tag Team you ask?

The metal to-go coffee cup I used as my wine chalice all weekend was from my old job. At my old job we made a product called ‘Tag Team’, so that was written on this cup. After finishing off a cup of red wine from this chalice, I realized that it said Tag Team and my name.

It spoke to me. This was a message from God giving me a mission for the weekend. I listened, and I was a faithful follower of this message. I brought the message down the mountain carved on a stone and read it to my Wing Man. Together we formed Tag Team.
On the 8th day, God made Tag Team.

Wing Man and I spent Thursday night going on babe scoping expeditions. We used sign language to communicate while in the midst of a mission. We really have the perfect friendship. Separately we are cute, and charming. When we come together we mighty morph into a Megazord of sexiness that is irresistible to all babes.

Early in the night our charm and charisma attracted a babe. Flirting led to the consummation of Tag Team. The three of us made out, it was a really good way to kick off Ness. We then left that girl to go find other babes. I had a ton of found gallivanting through the forest with Wing Man. We talked to lots of people, scoped out a few prospective babes. Then called it a night around 2 or 3am.

Friday morning came way to soon. It was delivered to Wing ‘Cuddle Bunny’ Man and I by eight small children doing child like things outside our tent at 7:30am. Running on a few hours sleep the gang headed to the main stage area for some grub. Also to watch the antics of our fellow severely hung over, sleep deprived Nesser’s.

Wing Man and I went back to the tent for few more hours of spooning and sleep, while the others went to the beach.
Feeling slightly more refreshed and alive Tag Team went to catch a shuttle to the beach. Apparently everyone else had the same idea, because it was an hour wait for a ten minute ride. But the magic of Ness once again dusted us with luck.
A local mother fucking celebrity and friend offered us a ride in his van. He said he could find room for just the two of us. But when he pulled up in front of the large group of people waiting for the shuttle, everyone swarmed to it. Like flies on the piles of vomit that now decorate the forest of Ness Creek.

You know the mini van saying “two in the front, five in the back.”
It has been rewritten.
“Ten in the front, four in the back.”
Ten of us were crammed into the van. Four extra desperate souls climbed into the dark, non ventilated, musical equipment packed U-haul.
It was like sneaking Mexicans and cocaine across the boarder.

We arrived at the beach for some prime babescoping. Sunglasses were worn so we could not be caught staring.
Wing Man joined a game of beach volleyball, I cheered him on like a good partner in crime should. He did get hit in the face with the volleyball, so we called it a day fairly quickly. One can’t be babescope with a broken face. We trekked back to our tent for another nap, and some food.

A car full of pretty girls rolled up beside my camp site. Being on my game like I was, I told them there was lots of room, and they were welcome to put their tent down. I also told them that they should party with us too.

I spent most of Friday night off away from the group. I was wandering around, and hanging out with other friends. But I would check back in with my crew periodically. During one such visit Wing Man and I decided to take a quick scope of the dance floor before turning in fairly early (1am). That plan quickly jumped out of the loser rut and into the ‘accomplishing a goal on the list of things to do in my life’ freeway. As I got close to the dance floor, I noticed one of the cute babes that set up next door. I walked over to her to say hi, when I discovered a friend of mine Sincerity standing beside her.

This girl is the Queen of all babes. She has such a kind, sincere heart. I’ve never heard her say anything hurtful or cruel about another person. She speaks the truth in a quiet warm voice. I’ve had a crush on her for nearly two years. I used to get in trouble with an ex for flirting with her all the time.

So you can begin to understand how ecstatic I was when she pulled me into a hug, and cupped my face in her hands while professing that she thought I was cute.
Naturally I pulled out my best line. “So do you want to make out?”
It worked! Internal happy dance ensued.

Sincerity and I danced a little bit more before we decided to go get another drink from the beer gardens. She left her ID at her tent though, and couldn’t get in. Not letting that hinder the fairy tale happening to me right now, we planned to sneak the alcohol out of the gardens while standing right beside the security guards. It was okay though, because the previous night I had charmed both of them with mints from a Zelda shield tin. They didn’t say anything about our plan.
We found a nice little corner to sip our drinks. But over the course of me sneaking the drinks out, and us drinking them Sincerity got much more messed up. She and her friend decided it would be a good idea to bond over throwing up next to each other.

Being the gentleman I am, I said I would walk her to her tent. Gentlemanliness has its limits, trying to find a tent way off in third field off all paths buried in the forest is reaching the limit.
We did find it eventually. Sincerity fell down a hill . . . twice. I fell into a cavern, and then got scared of the bears. But I did manage to get her tucked in with a glass of water.

I found my way back to the dance floor and had a dance party with Sage to Vitamins4You.
She was my cuddle buddy that night because Wing Man was off getting lucky.
Sage and I entertained our adult eavesdropping neighbours with the stories of our nights.
They returned the favour by letting their hooligans, I mean kids, stand outside our tent a few hours later and scream. Well-played bitches, well-played.

Okay folks! Those are the first two days. I will get cracking on Saturday, and Sunday at Ness. I’ll try to have that posted within the next day or two.
I have lots of update you on after Ness, so stand by.

P.S. My test results came back. I tested negitive for clamidia, herpes, and dignity. But postive for studliness, good times, and memories. Win?

I let love be the driving force in my life. I try to let each thought, action, and word come from a place of love. But I am human, I slip up.

I’ve been having trouble connecting with other people on an intimate personal level. (No, I don’t mean in bed. I am always good in bed.) My friendships, my relationships with co-workers and family are all in decent shape. But I have been putting a wall between myself and potential love interests.

I find something wrong with the person. It can be something minimal, and insignificant. But I let it be an excuse as to why this one isn’t worth it.

I’ve been thinking with my head, when this is a matter to be ruled by the heart. The head is concerned with those silly little offenses. The heart would see what really matters, the person’s soul.
Until I let my heart lead like I have with other areas of my life, I am only going to hit the walls I’ve built.

I really am just waiting for that moment, that feeling, when I know I have found a person I have a real connection with.

It has happened to me in the past. I can pin point the exact moment when I felt her wave of energy pulse through me. I am waiting for that to happen again. But I don’t know if it ever will, maybe it was a one time thing and I am waiting around for something that isn’t going to happen again.

I think this need to have that moment is coming from my soul, and is not an excuse from my head. If I need that moment to know I have found someone I really connect with, then I should wait for it. Right?

I’ve noticed a pattern with the last few romantic interests in my life, and it is not a good one. They seem to be more concerned with what I am, and not who I am.

My gender, or lack thereof is more of a concern then it should be. My heart and soul are what really matters.I know why it is important for them to understand what I am. They feel the need to define an aspect of themselves in order to feel comfortable. But they seem to be willing to do it at the cost of my own comfort. They want to mold me into the gender that best fits their definition of who they are.

In the past I have let people do that, when I was less sure of who I am. But I won’t let that happen again. The person has to accept my soul for what it is, and what it is not.

I’m not sure if this problem is occurring because I have feelings I haven’t work through with myself. I know I am not perfectly at peace with my gender situation. I am still figuring out who I am, and what that means. I am accepting of it, whatever I decide it is. But maybe because I don’t have that solid answer for myself it is being brought up by others.

But really how can I ever get a solid answer to that. What is a woman? What is a man? The answers are always changing.
I am happy and content in this moment to be the energy that flows and connects the two. Now I just need to find a person that loves and accepts that.

-

Yes, I believe in love,
Yes, I am a dreamer.
But I am not alone.
There are more of us then you suspect,
and we’ve got bombs,
truth and beauty bombs.

Warning: Mushy post to follow.

I love my friends. I love you.
I love you the way I love Superman. Not just with my entire heart. But in an awe that someone as beautiful, and pure exists.
I love your truth, and your honor.
And that fact that you guys wear tights, just like a superhero.
I love the profound meanings I hear in your simple words.
I can hear them even louder in our hugs, and in our laughter.

I respect you.
I respect you for who you are,
who you are working to be,
and who you want to be.

I feel like I am writing wedding vows. I might as well be, because you guys are stuck with me for life!

I promise to love and cherish you…

For real though, I don’t think the people in my life know how much they mean to me. You guys are a huge chunk of my heart, like at least 3 out of the four chambers.

I’m honoured, and proud to call you my friends.

- A very sentimental Avery

^^ I didn’t even plan that! A very! Avery! haha

Okay, yeah.. Bye now.

For the past couple weeks I have been having a recurring nightmare. In this dream I am at a music show with a large audience. I am standing on the crowded dance floor with a girl in front of me. She is my girlfriend in the dream. She turns around and reaches her hand out for me to grab. At this point I become completely horrified, because she is wanting us to slow dance to a song that just started playing.

I’m not appalled at the fact that she wants to slow dance. I taught myself how to slow dance from extensive internet research, and practising alone in front of a mirror. No lie. I have no shame in telling you all that.

Anyway, what shocks me is the song she wants to dance to. Prepare yourself, Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor. I can’t believe that she wants THAT to be OUR song! Is she serious? At that point in the dream I pretend I don’t notice her hand, and do anything to distract her. There by saving our relationship, because if she really wants Nothing Compares 2 U to be our song. I don’t think I could look her in the eyes anymore.
I don’t even know who you are anymore!
Yeah . . . That dream is actually a nightmare to me, and it has been recurring. Sometimes the song changes, to something equally as horrifying. I hope this dream will stop. It is upsetting.

Why can’t I just dream about me being in Superman comics like last night again? For real, it was awesome!

I am so content in this moment. I had a beautiful, peaceful evening. I spent the night walking by the river and around Broadway with a warm cup of apple cider, and my favourite love songs playing in my headphones. I don’t think anything could have made it more enjoyable. I love apple cider. It has such a calming effect on me. I am so lucky to live in a city as beautiful as Saskatoon. We have the gorgeous river, so full of life, for us to enjoy. Right there beside the best street in the city, Broadway, where there is always a friendly face or adventure waiting to happen.

Here are just a few of the songs that played tonight on my walk. They perfectly fit the mood I was in.

Apple Cider Love Songs:

Skinny Love – Bon Iver (the live version from Jool Holland)

I seriously get goosebumps, and or cry, every time I hear this song. This is my absolute favorite song. From 2:50 on, it has the most emotion in a song I’ve ever heard. Especially when he sings, “Now all your love is wasted, then who the hell was I?”

Band of Horses – I go to the barn because I like the

“I’d like to think that I am a mess, that you’d wear with Pride.”

Pretty much sums up what I want to be to someone.
Really every word to this song I connect with.

“outside, by your doorstep
in a worn out suit and tie.
i’ll wait for you to come down
where you’ll find me, where we’ll shine.”

When I really like someone I feel like they radiate the light of the Sun. When I’m with them, I add my own light and together we are bright enough to light the world.
If I was a love song, I think I would be this song.

Regina Spektor – Samson

“And history books forgot about us, and the bible didn’t mention us.
The bible didn’t mention us, not even once.
You are my sweetest downfall.
I loved you first.”

One of my favorite lyrics ever. How could a love as profound as our not be recorded, or even noticed by the world?

Kate Nash – The Nicest Thing

A simple, cute love song. The little things about love that sometimes mean the most.

“I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
‘Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.”

Ugh. Just makes my heart melt.

Bon Iver – The Wolves (Act I and II)

What might have been lost. Don’t bother me. Someday my pain.

Those lyrics combined with the build up to the train like drums at the end is just overwhelmingly beautiful, and painful. If the hollow feeling of a break up had a sound, it would be this song.

Iron & Wine – Such Great Heights

I like this cover of the song much more then the original Postal Service version.

I am thinking it’s a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They’re perfectly aligned

I wish I could use this as a pick-up line.

Kings of Leon – Use Somebody

I love the way his voice goes high at the end of his words.
Having sex to this album may, or may not be a goal on my list of things to do ;)

Iron & Wine – Flightless Bird, American Mouth

I don’t know what it is about this song, but I can’t stop listening to it. Only a small portion of the reason I can’t stop playing it is due to it being in Twilight, I swear.

Great Lake Swimmers – Your Rocky Spine

My favorite band. Comparing the beauty of Canada’s wilderness, to the beauty of a woman is magic. Genius, Great Lake Swimmers, Genius.

Band of Horses – No one gonna love you

Not all love songs are happy. There are many sides to love, and one of them is the dying out of a relationship. This song covers it pretty well.

Great Lake Swimmers – Where in the world are you?

I heard this song live when they played at Amigo’s. No words can explain how good it was, the entire crowd started swaying and couples held each other.

Tegan and Sara – Nineteen

“I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you”

Sometimes love catches us off guard. And sometimes we are completely unaware of it, until it comes up and punches us right in the heart.

Love you, you were all mine.
Love me, I was yours right?

Our relationship meant something, right? Blink once for Yes, twice for No.

Kings of Leon – Closer

Vampire love song. Spooky, and haunting.

Tegan and Sara – Call It Off

Maybe I would have been something you’d be good at
Maybe you would have been something I’d be good at
But now we’ll never know

This is the song I listen to when a relationship doesn’t get a chance. When other things, life, get in the way of a fair shot.

Missy Higgins – Where I Stood

See I thought love was black and white
it was wrong, or it was right
But you aint leaving without a fight and I think I am just as torn inside

Love is a lot of things, but it is rarely simple.

Auqalung – Strange and Beautiful

To me, you’re strange and you’re beautiful
You’d be so perfect with me
But you just can’t see
You turn every head but you don’t see me

Story of my life. Fuck.

Band of Horses – The Funeral
Meshell Ndegeocello – Beautiful
Cat Power – I Found A Reason

To the girl in my nightmare, take note. Any of the above mentioned songs are acceptable options to be our song. Please, stop trying to make me dance to Sinead O’Connor. Please.