Sorry, this is going to be a long-winded description. I think it is important to show where I started, and where I am now with my first coming out. I say first because there is going to be a second . . . and third.
I came out to my parents as liking girls in grade ten, at the age of 15. They didn’t take it badly, but they could have taken it better. My family does not talk about feelings, problems or anything. We only do if it can’t be ignored anymore, then once it has been talked about once it is never brought up again. That is how my coming out was.
My mom asked me if I liked girls. I said yes. She said don’t tell Dad, and the compared me to Rosie O’Donnell, seriously.
To this day I have never ‘officially’ come out to my Dad. He knows, and he is really good with it. He makes girls who stay over eggs in the morning. It wasn’t always like that, but I know they still love me and always have.
It would have been nice to hear them say it during that stressful time, but that’s just not how we work.
It has been about five years since I told them, and we have made some progress. Not a lot, but some.
They rarely ask about girls in my life. When they do they never say ‘girlfriend’ they say ‘friend’.
“How is your friend doing? Are you and your friend okay?”
It would be really nice to hear them say it, instead of tip toeing around it.
They don’t understand, or even try, to understand my life. It is very different from theirs, more liberal. They think my vegetarianism, yoga, drag shows, pride parades, music festivals, political opinions/awareness, basically everything I do in my free time is strange.
They blame the things they don’t like about me on my being Queer. Which is not really fair, straight people can like all those things. They don’t understand that my straight friends do many of those things as well. It is just our generation to be liberal. It’s not a sexuality disconnect. It is just a classic generation gap.
Besides those things they are really good. They don’t grill me about where I am going, with whom, and why I didn’t come home.
My Dad’s biggest problem with it is what he calls ‘flaunting it’. He doesn’t think we should have a flag or parade. That we are asking for special rights. Pride week is always a tense week in my house. They jokingly said every time I walked out of the house that week, “Are we going to see you on the news?’ Turns out they did haha. It was just a crowd shot, and I was visible.
My sister and I have never really talked about it too much. There is a big age difference between us, so we aren’t really close. I know she has gay male friends, so she is not against it.
My younger brother, whom I think is gay (YAY! I’m so proud) is really good about it. He is my best friend. He doesn’t care who I like, just who I am. I recently took him as my guest to a gay wedding. He had a blast, and got along with my friends really well. He also has shown nothing but support with my name change, he tries to call me it when he remembers and that means a lot.
My older brother is a different story. He and I have never really got along well. When I came out, he was not supportive at all. Whenever we would fight, he would call me names and bad mouth me. One time, during pride week, I was wearing a pride flag as a cape and he saw me. He called me a “fucking fairy faggot in a cape”, not cool. Then in the last year he has improved greatly. He asked about girls in my life. It turns out that a girl that I saw is a babe that some of his friends talked about. When he found out that he was proud in a weird way, like it’s okay I like girls as long as they are babes.
Since my brother has started showing serious signs of being gay, my parents have had to accept this is something that is not going away. They jokingly blame me for his actions, saying I brought him over to the dark side. I know they are joking, but I think part of them believes it.
I think another thing that changed, and resulted in improving their comfort level is how I react around them. Before the only time we ever talked about it, it was always on a very tense note. I have loosened up around the subject, and don’t jump to the defence anymore. I bring it up first, instead of ignoring it until it is brought up negatively. I poke fun at myself, and the situation. Saying that I am this because my mom has fed us Homo milk our whole lives. Or because she let me run around in boys bathing suits til I was in grade two. Silly things, that make them look at it in a humorous way.
It gets a healthy discussion going. My mom has said that she’s started watching talk shows on the issue, and that she knows it is something born not chosen. She also recently brought up that she saw Cher’s child is transitioning. Which leads me to believe that maybe she has started to pick up on that fact.
She had been asking me since I was twelve if I liked girls, so she obviously wasn’t blind to it. She must be picking up on signs that I am not a lesbian, I hope.
I’m really scared to come out to them again. I’ve been putting it off. I have no idea how to do it, or how they will react. This isn’t something that they can just ignore like they did me liking girls. Everyone is going to notice when I start growing a beard. I feel horrible for putting them through this, it must be embarrassing for them. I wish I didn’t have to do this to them, but it has to happen.
Yup. So this is my coming out part two.
Deep breathe, open closet door, peek head out and look both ways, baby steps out.
I am Trans.
Okay, not that big a surprise if you have read any of my other posts. But I have made some decisions regarding that. I am 98% sure that I am going to be on testosterone to change my body male at some point in my life.
I am 89% sure that I am ready for that time to be soon. I am going to talk to my Gender Therapist about it a bit more. Make sure that it is the right time for it. I’m quite sure it is, I want my body to better match who I am inside.
I see my therapist again in two weeks, I’ll bring up my concerns and worries with her so we can discuss them. Right now only minute things are worrying me. Things like acne. I’ve had really bad problems with my skin since my young teens and testosterone leads to acne problems.
That wasn’t so bad, right? Rip the bandaid off quick and clean. Let’s do this again.
Deep breath, don’t look back at the closet, bounce on the balls of my feet, little stretch, and go.
So I am a trans guy.
Who likes girls.
And guys.
Dizzy, don’t pass out, breathe.
So yeah, I am a bi guy.
That is a recent discovery.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. I never seriously kissed a boy until just recently. But I liked it, and I would like a boyfriend like character in my life.
It has been a slow confusing process figuring this out. You think I would be better at this by now, having done it so many times.
I started to figure it out over a year ago. When I went on two accident dates with guys, and didn’t mind as much as a person who just likes girls should. What was confusing was trying to decipher liking them. I knew I didn’t like them as a girl liking a boy. I liked them as a guy liking a guy, but I still hadn’t solidly planted my feet on understanding ground with the trans thing. But the more I got comfortable, and understood being trans the more I couldn’t deny that attraction to guys.
If you read my blog regularly, you will have noticed in the last month or so I’ve kissed guys. I did this not a girl kissing guys, but as guy with guys. The guys have known about me being trans. That’s the only way it can happen.
Once I start testosterone it will be easier for me, and guys. Right now, I get mistaken for a cute twink 80% of the time. With testosterone it will only improve. I look like a cute boy, but I still have female features that would change with hormones. I wouldn’t be so soft, I’d have more hair on my body and face, my hair line will change, my face, my body size and form. I will look, and sound like a regular guy.
This brings up another issue I want to talk about with my Gender Therapist. It is fairly common in females who take testosterone for their sexual preference to change. Meaning they start off liking girls, and end up liking just guys. My therapist says that sexuality doesn’t change if you’ve never had that attraction before. If a person has never liked guys, at all, that won’t change. But if there is an underlying attraction, it may be enhanced with hormones.
When I didn’t understand my gender I only liked girls.
Once I figured out that I was trans. I began to like guys, as well as girls. Hopefully that is where it will end, I think it will.
I really love girls, like a lot. They make me happy. They are the most beautiful creations on the planet. I love the way they laugh, how they feel, how they kiss, I love most everything about them. I don’t see that disappearing.
If it did, I wouldn’t hate myself for being a gay guy. I’ve accepted the fact that it may occur, and I’m okay with it.
So yeah . . . tada!
To all the cute queer guys out there, this is good news for you. You will only be more attracted to me now. If I made a cute twink with no hormones, think of how cute I will be on them. So cute! Now you know I think you are cute back.
I really have no idea what the reaction will be to this. If people will even care.
I’ve brought it up to a few people before, trying to explain that this is something I’ve been feeling but not telling them it was official. The responses I received from them were not great at all.
They didn’t believe me at all, how could I like guys? I am so good with girls. I’m a player, I’m the stud. It is not possible.
It seems to make them personally uncomfortable, which I don’t really understand. It is not them who has to live my life, their life is not effected by this news in any way. But they react like it is.
So I guess we will see the reactions I get. I will know who reads my blog now haha. If someone brings it up, I know you read it.
I will update soon with news of the reactions, if there is any.