New Wave of Nerd

How to Make Love to a Trans Person -- Gabe Moses

Forget the images you’ve learned to attach
To words like cock and clit,
Chest and breasts.
Break those words open
Like a paramedic cracking ribs
To pump blood through a failing heart.
Push your hands inside.
Get them messy.
Scratch new definitions on the bones.

Get rid of the old words altogether.
Make up new words.
Call it a click or a ditto.
Call it the sound he makes
When you brush your hand against it through his jeans,
When you can hear his heart knocking on the back of his teeth
And every cell in his body is breathing.
Make the arch of her back a language
Name the hollows of each of her vertebrae
When they catch pools of sweat
Like rainwater in a row of paper cups
Align your teeth with this alphabet of her spine
So every word is weighted with the salt of her.

When you peel layers of clothing from his skin
Do not act as though you are changing dressings on a trauma patient
Even though it’s highly likely that you are.
Do not ask if she’s “had the surgery.”
Do not tell him that the needlepoint bruises on his thighs look like they hurt
If you are being offered a body
That has already been laid upon an altar of surgical steel
A sacrifice to whatever gods govern bodies
That come with some assembly required
Whatever you do,
Do not say that the carefully sculpted landscape
Bordered by rocky ridges of scar tissue
Looks almost natural.

If she offers you breastbone
Aching to carve soft fruit from its branches
Though there may be more tissue in the lining of her bra
Than the flesh that rises to meet it, Let her ripen in your hands.
Imagine if she’d lost those swells to cancer,
Diabetes,
A car accident instead of an accident of genetics
Would you think of her as less a woman then?
Then think of her as no less one now.

If he offers you a thumb-sized sprout of muscle
Reaching toward you when you kiss him
Like it wants to go deep enough inside you
To scratch his name on the bottom of your heart
Hold it as if it can-
In your hand, in your mouth
Inside the nest of your pelvic bones.
Though his skin may hardly do more than brush yours,
You will feel him deeper than you think.

Realize that bodies are only a fraction of who we are
They’re just oddly-shaped vessels for hearts
And honestly, they can barely contain us
We strain at their seams with every breath we take
We are all pulse and sweat,
Tissue and nerve ending
We are programmed to grope and fumble until we get it right.
Bodies have been learning each other forever.
It’s what bodies do.
They are grab bags of parts
And half the fun is figuring out
All the different ways we can fit them together;
All the different uses for hipbones and hands,
Tongues and teeth;
All the ways to car-crash our bodies beautiful.
But we could never forget how to use our hearts
Even if we tried.
That’s the important part.
Don’t worry about the bodies.
They’ve got this.

Gabe Moses is “a poet, author, performance artist, dogwalker, and accomplished floor-sock-glider who does most of his best writing in the bathtub. You can find his work in lots of cool places, but that kid singing James Brown on YouTube is not him.”

Hey Lovely,

I hope your beautiful soul is doing well today. I am back with a T video update, and I really think you will enjoy it. In the video I list the top reasons to date an FTM. It is packed full of wit, charm, and crudeness -- Oh, and of course, a Lady Gaga reference.

Sorry about the quality I had to use the camera on my phone because I don’t have a camera anymore.

P.S. I  enjoy long walks along the river, poetry, and holding hands. Aww <3

Your Dreamboat,

Avery

Hello Lovely!

I am back with another summer adventure under my belt. I visited the River Avenue girls and Pocket in Winnipeg again!

I was origninally going to follow my tradition of camping at the Ness Creek music festival; drinking enough red wine that the mosquitos who bite me get drunk. But this summer here in Saskatchewan we have had a ridicuilous amount of rain. So I predicted that what would normally be a weekend full of sunshine and hippies, would turn out to be full of thunderstorms and dirty hippies… dirtier than normal hippies. I didn’t want to be sopping wet and stuck inside my tent all weekend, so I sold my ticket and went to Winnipeg instead.

I stayed with Voodoo while I was in Winnipeg, which I am extremely thankful for. She is even more of a babe than I remembered from my last trip, it wasn’t just the glitter and David Bowie atmosphere playing tricks on me. We have been texting a lot since my last trip, so we basically had a crash course in the ‘Get to Know You’ game and I feel like I know her better than friends I have had for much longer periods of time.

I started my drive at the ass crack of dawn (Yup. I did just say that, savour the moment.) on Thursday, and made it into the city in time to meet my favorite little lesbian, Pocket, for supper.

Pocket is still as cute as ever. I think the best description of Pocket was said by Voodoo, it was something along the lines of: “I want you to live in my pocket and yell your life story to me from inside it.” If she was an animal she would be the House Hippo or the Pocket Monkey, she is that adorable. She is coming home to Saskatoon in a couple of weeks, so stay tuned for more fun adventures starring Pocket.

Thursday night I went to the Sandbox magazine fashion show party with Voodoo and her friends. Everyone was so well dressed! I was in people watching heaven, there were so many bow ties and sexy dresses. The model mentioned in the last post walked in the show… Actually she was around for most of the weekend; she is a staple in the River Ave group. Every group needs a smart unattainable straight girl to fawn over. Unattainable straight girls are to lesbians as desperate straight fag hags are to gay boys; the balance of the queer world relies on their presence.

I spent Friday afternoon with Voodoo, and I say afternoon because we slept till noon. That may seem like a long time but it only amounted to a few hours sleep, by the time we went to bed I had been up for over 24 hours. This was also the day that I experienced my new most embarrassing moment. Way more embarrassing than the time I failed a swim test in front of my grade 12 classmates, and was then asked to wear a life jacket and remain close to the edge of the pool for the rest of the swim. You know that scene from the movie Garden State, the one were Andrew jumps into the pool and flails around while everyone watches. Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, I won’t go into details because that will only extend the amount of therapy I need to recover from this incident. Lets just say that missing two meals, being awake for over 24 hours and consuming more beer than I normally do the night before mixed with caffeine, standing for an extended period of time in a very steamy shower was too much for this frail vegetarian.

The rest of Friday was pretty calm and relaxing. Voodoo flexed her amazing cooking muscles and made a delicious supper for a few friends. After eating we watched movies, and called it a night. This trip had a lot more good wholesome fun than the last trip did.

Saturday was the most eventful day.  We had a few drinks at one of the girl’s house, then we went to a little pub but hung out in the parking lot for most of our time there. From the pub we moved on to Gio’s, the gay bar, we danced until they closed. A big group of us went back to Voodoo’s place to crash, but first we watched Spice World. It broke my heart a little, the Spice Girls are not as good looking as my childhood lesbian memories lead me to believe. They look so old and haggard in that movie. After Spice World we all crashed for two or three hours than got up and went for a Falaphal breakfast. Hummus needs to be part of my morning ritual more often.

After breakfast Pocket and I spent the day at the beach. It was a lot of fun, and good quality bonding. However, there was a lot of back hair, bad parenting, and what looked like the cast of Jersey Shore. Seriously, it was like being at Wal-Mart. We saw parents let their kids pour lighter fluid all over a fire and their hot dogs.

After the beach the group reassembled for a camp fire. See, I said there was lots more good wholesome fun on this trip. We even made smores!

Voodoo and I spent Monday morning cuddling and watching the food network. None of you realize how much of an accomplishment that small feat is. Apparently Voodoo hates cuddling the way Lindsay Lohan hates driving sober. I was honestly expecting Voodoo to stop talking to me before the hickey on my hip had even faded away. I wouldn’t have been surprised, and I would probably have only felt a small twinge of hurt. She normally sneaks away after the person falls asleep, so waking up 4 days with her still next to me was an accomplishment haha.

I don’t have any experience with these kinds of situations, so I am not sure what the proper protocal is. I have watched a lot of friends deal with these situations, so I have a general idea of how it works. I think a good rule of thumb is to continue talking to the person until the underwear you took off of them has been washed. I feel like the scent of ‘Spring Rain’ laundry detergent really solidifies a happy memory of that hook up, and leaves it feeling like a blossoming tulip covered in dew. The fresh scent encourages a clean new start. Also, those Tide to Go pens really get that deep down dreaded stain of feeling like a slut off one’s soul. They should put that in the commercial.

I am not like my friends though, I want to continue talking to her. She is a really sweet girl, and I want to continue being friends with her. I know I haven’t even cracked the surface with her, she has a decent sized wall and moat surrounding herself. I hope that she will let someone break through one day, or at least give someone the chance to fight the alligators in the moat and scale the wall.

I am not a hook up kinda person, but my last relationship left me feeling really insecure about my body and I needed to prove to myself that I am not an unlovable frankenstein monster. We both knew going in what it was and what it wasn’t. I feel like I know her well enough that it wasn’t some random I picked up from the bar. Voodoo was exactly what I needed.

There is no one I want to date right now, and I won’t lower my standards just to find someone. I love being single, I keep myself happy. I am really busy with work and friends right now, and I am only going to get busier when school starts so the only way a relationship would possible is if the person is secure and independent. I can’t deal with someone who needs constant reassurance or for me to put them back together. I am a whole person I don’t need a person to complete me, I want someone to compliment and challenge me.

I managed to piss off at least one person while on my trips; the girlfriend of my new completely innocent and hopeless crush. I haven’t had a school boy crush in a while, the infinity of impossibility is a nice reminder of not taking anything too seriously. I have missed having scenes from 80’s movies roll through my head. *cue the music – “Oh I, I just died in your arm tonight, it must have been something you said. Yeah, I just died in your arms tonight.”

I thought I was subtle with my crushing, but apparently her girlfriend noticed me failing to get up the courage to buy the Babe a drink. Or maybe the pep talks that I was giving myself about going to talk to the Babe showed on my face. They were damn good pep talks, they didn’t work, but they were good. They rival the Coach’s inspirational half time speech to the underdog team in any good sport’s movie.

That sums up my trip! Stay tuned for T-Videos, I have two in the works. One is that summary video of my transition to date, and the other is going to be a video about that top ten reasons to date a tranny haha.

Love and Peace <3

Avery Eros Finley

‘Allo!

Hang on a sec! … Okay … Yup, still there. I just had to check that my liver didn’t pick up and leave me after what I put it through over the last two weeks.

Go ahead and check that yours is still there I will wait … We all good? Good.

Have any of you stumbled through the door fully expecting to find your close family and friends sitting in the living room waiting to give you an intervention? If I walk into the house covered in glittered after disappearing for 4 days one more time I fully expect that to happen. After the third time I would worry if I was my family too.

Pride was a complete success. I hit up a lot of the events during the week, and they were all really well organized; I am not even going to talk about it, because a even week’s worth of Pride events cannot compare to the weekend I just had.

The adventures are coming faster than a 15 year old boy losing his virginity (SNAP!). I took a road trip to Winnipeg, Manitoba to visit some friends. Never before have I partied with people who party so well. I am in complete awe of their skills. More than a few managed to drag their asses to work after only an hour or two of pass out power naps.

… I am getting ahead of myself I will back up and explain a bit:

At the moment I am in a coffee shop in Saskatoon STILL wearing green spandex pants (my NLP who is proof reading this approves) and a pair of sunglasses inside because I am STILL hung over from Saturday. I am copying this entry out of a notebook I scribbled in while driving home from Winnipeg blaring dance tunes, because apparently I didn’t get enough of them this weekend. Or maybe I got so much that I needed to ease myself off the beats so as to not go into withdraw.

I was in Winnipeg to visit a couple friends who live there. They were kind enough to let me crash on their couch, introduce me to their friends, and show me around the city. THANK YOU! I was in Winnipeg from Thursday through to Sunday, but I am only going to talk about Saturday night and Sunday morning. If I talked about all the days this entry would go on forever; I spent the majority of Saturday night with my friend who will be called Pocket Lesbian. She is actually from Saskatoon, and moved out to Winnipeg last year. We go way back, I was one of her THREE prom dates when she graduated high school. Yeah, she is that good.

You won’t fully be able to understand why this weekend was so epic without knowing the crowd I was with. So here, watch this video -

This is who I came to visit and party with. They party so well and are packed so full of drama that they are in the running to be turned into a MTV reality show.

Go LIKE their Facebook group RIVER AVENUE, if you want to see more of them.

Obviously these girls know how to party, and that is exactly what happened on Saturday. I’ll sum up the the night:

“You remind me of the babe.”
“What babe?”
“The babe with the power!”
“What power?”
“The power of voodoo!”
“Who do?”
“You do!”
“Do what?”
“Remind me of the babe.”

Explanation? What does David Bowie have to do with anything? I went to a David Bowie themed party. No, I wasn’t wearing a codpiece…. Though, I did consider it. I was wearing green spandex pants, a tee with glitter letters, gold converse, a black & white stripe blazer and I had glitter on half of my head.

Never before have I seen so much glitter, spandex and lightning bolts. I bet it looked similar to the birth of Lady Gaga.  It was a birthday party held on the roof of a vegan restaurant, and the party provided exactly what it was supposed to: dancing, drama, and David Bowie.

Time flew by at the party. Everyone was there, including a top runway model who hangs out with the group. An actual model, not a, ‘Once I modelled for a Sears catalogue. I wore a floral print muu muu. It was totally semi fitted though, so it was sexy. That was such a tough shoot, the frilly mid calf helm made it look like I had cankles’ kind of model. I’m sure this model has actually had her face tickled by the air coming off Karl Lagerfeld’s hand fan. At one point she was runway walking down the middle of the street WHILE hula hooping in shiny short shorts that go beyond the normal category of ’short shorts’. Once the blood started flowing back to my brain the only thing I could think to properly capture how tiny these shorts were was, “I see London, I see Paris…”

I went to Winnipeg assuming that everyone would already have a bit of an idea as to who I was, because I am such a big deal. Do you know who I am?! Kidding! I just thought Pocket Lesbian would have given a quick run down to her friends, but a lot of people just thought I was some random gay guy… Sigh. That was an extra bump in the road to make outs. So I started slipping lines like “Oh yeah, when I was a lesbian…”, “When I was a little girl…”, or “I am a Tranny, and I like girls”  into conversation. You know, subtle hints like that.

Pocket Lesbian deserves a trophy, she was a wicked wing man. She introduced me to a girl that I will call Voodoo. I pick the name Voodoo because it fits with the David Bowie theme. Not because she pointed a bone and cast some spells, though she was very enchanting. However, thinking back she did have a bunch of random guys hooting at her like they had a bone to point because of her. Ha ha.

Voodoo knew who I was and had read the blog before. As you all know I am awkward as hell, and this stayed true while I was in Winnipeg. Luckily I had my good friend Beer to help me get up the courage to talk to Voodoo giving myself a chance to be awkwardly charming.

She is very witty and quick, which you know I love. I had a fantastic time flirting with her. She jokingly asked if she was going to make it onto the blog. I said she would have to do something in order to make the blog and that she knew how awkward I was with first moves, so she should make it. That bit of flirting made all the time it takes to keep this blog going worth it.

She made the first move!

We were dancing, and she suggested we go outside and cool off. Once we were outside she asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Then yeah, happy make out time. Except for the people who were walking between bars and kept hooting at us, or complimenting my green pants.

That tender moment did not last nearly long enough. It was interrupted by a text from the friend I was supposed to be staying with. Apparently she was tired, and wanted to leave right then. Cock block! It was only 1:30ish and I didn’t want to leave yet. Luckily I didn’t have to because Pocket Lesbian said I could crash at her place.

When the party ended around 2:30am Pocket Lesbian and I wandered over to Gio’s, the gay bar, and stayed there for less than thirty minutes. We adventured back to her place where the after party was happening. What I walked in on was the thing of ANY sexual being dreams. I don’t care if you are a man, woman, tranny, none of the above, all of the above, gay, straight, bi… Two lesbians in glitter and spandex wresting is a very good thing. No words. Just amazing.

I really hope I am not coming across like one of those asshole straight guys who will approach two girls and tell them to make out, then ask if they want to go home with them.

Side note -- Having spent the majority of my sexual life as a Lesbian I have had the pleasure of meeting many of those guys, so I feel like I can speak for all the girls who have ever been in that situation: “Fuck off. You are nasty and you can’t get one straight girl. What makes you think two Queer girls would want you? Your penis is not a gift from God, nor is it the missing piece from our lives. Get the fuck away if you plan on keeping it for later when you jerk off alone in your Mom’s basement.” - End of side note.

We hung out on River Ave at Pocket Lesbians’s place for a while, then a group of us decided to go get breakfast. Yes, it was now late enough (early enough?) to get breakfast at a restaurant. Champions. We had a ridiculously fun time at breakfast, then we went back to Pocket Lesbian’s place because it was about 7:30am. I was still really wired though. I think my brain just didn’t know what to do anymore. It has been overstimulated with all the hot girls in glittery tights. I seriously laid on the couch with my eyes open not really registering that I was seeing anything. I believe this is called a ‘Disco Nap’.

Eventually I fell asleep. Well, kind of, I kept waking up to the others in the house dragging their tired, hung over asses out the door to work. Seriously, these girls know how to party. There is absolutely no way in hell that I could have worked after partying like we did. I could barely consentrate on driving home Sunday I was so tired and hung over.

LONGEST WALK OF SHAME EVER!

10 hours! It spanned two provinces. I had glitter on half of my head, I was still wearing my spandex pants, sparkle shirt and circus ring leader blazer. I hadn’t showered, and I smelled like the inside of a boot. I was running on two hours sleep, and two cups of coffee. The only thing that kept me going was the high of how awesome this weekend was.
I have rings under my eyes bigger than Rihanna does after she folds Chris’ tighty whities wrong and he loses it. OOOOOH. Yeah, I am still making Chris Brown jokes. Shut up, they are golden and I like to remind people about what an ass he is.

Anyway, best walk of shame in my history. I want a reward, like a trophy with a button that turns on a recording of all the whispers I got along with the pointing and general looks of disappoval while stopped at gas stations.  Apparently Bowie wear is not appropriate for a Sunday afternoon? Whatever, they were all just jealous. They miss their youth and crazy adventures. I would hate myself too if I was stuck in a mini van full of screaming kids on my way to Sunday mass with a wife that wants to divorce me, but can’t because the priest would frown. Ouuuu! Too far? Too much?

Best weekend of the summer by far, way better than all of Pride week combined. The idea of moving out there has definitely taken firm root in my brain. Winnipeg has more than just phenomenal parties to offer. The Queer community seems really great, Osborne village is exactly the kind of place I love to hang out and rent is cheaper than it is in Saskatoon. I could just transfer to the University out there. I am already registered for another year of classes at UofS, but I will roll the idea around in my head for next year.

I am going to leave you with more Bowie!

“For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me.”

P.S. Go LIKE the River Avenue girls!

- Avery Eros Finley

Yar! Welcome back, Matey!

I have been getting a lot of feedback recently on the typed updates I did when I first started this blog, so I have decided to bring those back along side my T videos. Also, I just bought a new MacBook and I am in the honeymoon phase with it. I just want to be on it all the time!
I will have plenty of material to write about this summer, it is going to be ridiculous! Summer is going to be packed full of crazy adventures that I probably shouldn’t admit to doing on the internet.
Really though, it is mostly just good wholesome fun. No one gets hurt, in fact we may rediscover our naked faith in humanity. The only thing to take a hit is my tender little heart whenever a summer crush burns out. Whoa, I basically just summed up Pride Week and Ness Creek for you. Wait, add more making out. There, now you are have Pride Week and Ness Creek. Oh boy!

Along with stories about Ness Creek and Pride I will subject you to my hippy ramblings, random rants and stories about whatever other beauty I stumble across. Expect more code names to be created, they are for everyones well being.

The adventures have already started off at a nice steady pace. As I promised at the end of my Work and Transition T-Video I made the most of my 3 days off work, though not in the way I expected. If you live in Saskatoon and haven’t already heard the news I am very surprised, you may be the last person in the city who doesn’t know. Wow, does word travel fast.
I broke up with my girlfriend at the end of the month :( Yeah. Boo. I never mentioned us on the blog, except briefly in one video, because we started dating during my break from updating the blog. Truthfully, she was a large part of the reason I didn’t update the blog. We were busy flying kites, having picnics and being cute.
I guess I will sum the whole thing up, beginning to end. She and I started dating about 3 months ago. She knew I was Trans when she met me through a friend, and she was okay with it. Things started off really well, we communicated openly and we were damn cute. It was really nice to be with someone that wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with them. There were no back and forth games. She is brilliant, funny, witty, and beautiful. She has such a kind heart and so much strength. I just wish she would have faith and trust in herself, and those qualities, the way I do.

We started having some problems about a month back. We talked about them  and made a few adjustments in hopes that things would get better. That didn’t really happen, instead the adjustments just created different problems. Some of our problems were related to me bring Trans, but not all of them. It is not the reason we broke up. She has things she needs to work on, and I have things I need to work on. I have been single for so long that it is what I am good at. I had a hard time being patient and making room for someone in my life.
I discovered that I like falling in love more than being in love… which brings a whole new meaning to the title ‘Hopeless Romantic’ that I have so proudly wore as badge, like my heart on my sleeve.
There is no bad guy in this break up, we just couldn’t find a balance together.
I have never had to break up with someone before. Usually they cheat on me, or things weren’t official and the relationship just fizzles out. I discovered breaking up with someone sucks just as much as being broken up with. I felt like I killed a puppy, and then extinguished a rainbow.

I spent the rest of my 3 days off work acting in response to the break up. I drank more than I usually do, partied with friends, and played video games to distracted me. Then when I was ready to face it I had a good cry. Now I am dealing with it in a more positive way. Make outs! Wait, no… that is for saved for Pride. What I meant to say was, Yoga!
I spent the money left over in my bank account after buying this beautiful Mac (I wonder how many time I have to say “beautiful Mac” before Apple will sponsor me. Maybe I need to say a bit more… nothing feels quite as right as the smooth tender caress of the perfectly shaped buttons of a Mac across my finger tips) on an unlimited pass to a yoga studio. I plan on going to yoga at least three times a week.
Being in a relationship and focusing energy on making that work distracted me from being in touch with myself. Yoga class will help me focus again. And it will get my hippy juices flowing, so expect lots of hippy ramblings. Plus, I plan on perfecting my hippy vegetarian yogi body. Lean, muscular, flexible with just a hint of that underfed to fed to save the planet look.

Pride Week is here! Can you feel it? Smell it in the air? Hear it? You can! That tingle deep down inside your gut, the crisp fresh air, and the distance “thumpa thumpa” is Pride! I am so excited! Ah! As part of my training/preparation for the week I have only been listening to Lady Gaga and dance music. I have developed an eye twitch, but it is in time with the music so I am okay with it.

I plan on doing something special for Pride Week on the blog. I am going to do a number of typed updates throughout the week about the events I attend.
My 6 month testosterone anniversary happens during Pride week! I love you, Testosterone! You are my one and only! In honour of it I am going to do a special compilation video of the last six months. I think it will be really interesting to see the huge changes I have experienced these last six months summed up in a few minutes.
I go for my 6 month check up with my Endocrinologist sometime this month, which means I had to get a ton of blood work done. I got it taken already, before Pride starts, because now that Pride has started my liver has been working really hard and I don’t want the Doctor to mistake Pride Week for testosterone negatively effecting my liver.

Okay! You all know what to expect from me in the next week! Here is what I expect from you (Yes, I have requirements):
1) Have a fun and SAFE Pride! If (When, lets be real) you are drinking, you are not driving. If (When, again, lets be real) you are playing, you are playing safe.
2) Remember to celebrate yourself and the community, that is what this week is about!
3) BE PROUD! Do it for yourself, for your friends, and for that little homo that has never seen two happy Queers celebrating their love openly.

- Avery Eros Finley

Hey Champs!

I’m back! Finally!
Sorry, it took so long for an update. I was finishing up my university finals, and then my laptop was stolen. So that put a huge bump in the road of updating this blog. But yeah, I have successfully finished my first year of university. I have also made some decisions about what I plan to do. I am going to get an Honours Degree in Sociology, and then go on to law school. I know, I must be a masochist to put myself through that much school. But this is something I can be passionate about. I want deal with human rights, specifically Queer equality. I am an activist now, and with a law degree in my pocket I know I will be able to make a bigger difference. Queer rights is what I am passionate about.

I have been on T for over 5 months now! 5 MONTHS! I can’t believe that much time has passed already. The physical changes in the last 5 months have been unbelievable, and they will only continue to happen. In the video I give a quick run down of the physical changes. In the next couple weeks I will go into more detail on specific areas. If you have any questions or suggests about where I should focus, just comment!

Cliff Hanger! Hahaha! Come back next week! I will talk about the cause of my blush at the end of the video, my girlfriend, and about the Pride interview in the StarPhoenix. Exciting news! Next week’s video will focus on the social aspects of my transition the last couple months.

Also, I plan on bring back my typed ramblings that focus more on the adventures from my personal life. I am going to have lots of random adventures this summer. Pride week is coming up in Saskatoon. The crazy drunken adventure that is Ness Creek is a go again this summer. You can check back to July for my posts about Ness Creek, I think I am still recovering from it. I plan on taking my little silver Neon, Dexter, on road trips this summer. So that will proved tons of material to write about.

See you next week!

Love you all!
- Avery Eros Finley

Transition update!!!

Hello New Wave Nerd Followers!

Welcome to the newbies brought in from the Outwords Inc. magazine article. Prepare yourself for awkward cuteness.

Sorry, this update took a little longer than usual. It is midterm week at university, and I have been studying so hard it feels like my brain has turned to liquid. I am basically done my exams and essays so here is my transition update. It is spring break after this week of school, and you know what that means? It means I am going to update so much that you guys are going to get sick of me! I am going to be like that annoying person who tells you in vivid detail what they had for breakfast, and how they picked lint off their clothes. You are going to sit there smiling and nodding while inside your head you will be thinking about what kind of underwear I am wearing, or who Oprah has on today. I promise, promise, promise that there will be a few updates in the next 2 weeks. I will be stuck here all alone while everyone else is off having crazy adventures during their spring break.

This first video is mostly about the physical changes I have noticed lately. X marks the spot! My treasure trail is coming in!

Catholic school girls are not as much fun as they are cracked up to be. I had a decent make out only to be told after that Jesus doesn’t love me. Confused? Yeah, me too. Watch video for the full story.

In the end all it takes for me to feel better are glittery explosives and a few laughs. Imagine how perfect my life would be if I had a pet unicorn.

I will update in the next couple days about the Outwords Inc. article, I just have to get my copy first.

Your Dreamboat,

Avery Eros Finley

Transition update!

Hey Champ!

The big news I mentioned in my last post is revealed in this first video!
It also contains me professing my love for Tegan and Sara. I really love Tegan and Sara. Tonight is going to be a wicked night because they are putting on a concert here. I am loading myself up with energy drinks. I am thinking about shooting them up into my veins for better results. I am taking a break from studying, and to stay out late partying. All I really need to do tonight to charm a lady is repeat a Tegan and Sara lyric to them, that is the magic key. One quick “Baby, I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you” will lead to me getting to know them ;) So stay tuned for my next typed update, because it will be full of the shenanigans that happen tonight.
Also in this video are the the physical changes I have noticed recently. Dununu Nunununun Teen Stash!

This second video is about how being Trans effects my confidence level, and as a result my interactions with girls. Note the mad voice crack around the 3:00 minute mark -- Sexy.

Thanks for watching!
Everyone who is going to the concert, HAVE FUN! And be safe.

- Avery Eros Finley

Happy New Decade Champs!

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight.

No more staying up til 3am, no more sleeping in til noon, showering is no longer the biggest accomplishment of my day – classes are back on. All my classes are six credits, so they carry over to this term. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I know what to expect from them, but I am getting bored and frustrated with a couple of them. Especially my English class, it is through St. Thomas Moore. I haven’t had a problem with any other classes I have through that college, but this Prof relates EVERYTHING back to Jesus. EVERYTHING! Writings that aren’t related to the bible in any way become a story about temptation with the devil, or Adam and Eve.
No! Sorry, I am pretty sure the poem is about a girl who gave it up to some guy, and he didn’t call her back.
Besides that I am glad to be back at classes. I feel productive, and the rest of my life falls into place once I have a schedule.

So much is coming together in my life, it is rejuvenating! I feel like I have got a second wind, and am ready to make changes in my life. Maybe change is too strong a word, I think commitment better fits. I am ready to make commitments in my life. I want to challenge myself, because that is the only way I will grow. Recently I have begun to feel that familiar itch of not challenging myself enough. The last time I felt this feeling I registered for university last minute. For the last month I have been thinking about what I can do to make that feeling go away, and I figured out the path to the growth I need. I am not making drastic changes, only recommitting my focus to areas of my life that I have already changed.

I am not drinking anymore. I know I only started drinking six months ago, but I have had all the experiences that I wanted from it. I had really fun nights, adventures that I remember and laugh about. I let myself act my age, and I experienced nights everyone should have. I had my drunken make outs, and the professing of truths sponsored by liquid courage. I don’t have any attachment to drinking, so this will be easy enough. There is one small acception to this though, I have a really wonderful bottle of champagne that is part of a plan set in place a long time ago. It is part of Juliet’s Christmas present, if we ever hang out again and I get to give it to her I am allowing myself to drink from it.

I am going to work out regularly, and expand the activities I do. At this point I work out from home with some equipment I have, but I want to do more. I want to work hard to get the most from all the changes testosterone is creating in my body. If I am putting on muscle this quickly just with testosterone think of how much I can put on with working out regularly. Really think about it for a second, I am flexing for you right now. I want the sight of my biceps to cause small children to cry! If you need a work out buddy let me know! You can introduce me to a new way of working out. I am going to start going to yoga again, which is connected to another commitment I am making.

I am going to meditate more often. I have practiced meditating for the last few years of my life with various amounts of commitment to it. It has always been a solid pillar that keeps me strong and focussed. I make better choices, and keep in touch with myself when I practice it. I pay more attention to what I say, what I think and how I act. I am just an overall better person when I do it.

I have had ‘Goodbye My Lover’ by James Blunt stuck in my head for the last couple days, it needs to stop. I keep serenading random objects every time I put them down. It was funny for me the first dozen times it happened, but now I can’t even put my tooth brush back in its holder without it popping into my head. The only solution is for someone to serenade ME. I think that would be enough closure.

Random fact about Avery – Back in the day (a few years ago) I learned how to play ‘Goodbye My Lover’ on the guitar, so I could woo the ladies. Mad skills! This was after learning how to play ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias, and having that fail miserably at getting me make outs.

Speaking of failing miserably with girls, Juliet is not really talking to me anymore. Awesome. It really sucks because she was my favorite person to have adventures with. Things that wouldn’t be an adventure with anyone else were an adventure with her. She was the person I confided in most, about serious stuff and about random things. I guess I can to take this as a lesson that things are not permanent and change forms. It  is just hard to have someone become a pillar in your life, and then leave.

An old friend recently came back into my life, and it feels like it is going to be something important. We met in grade nine, back when we were far from our prime. I was a terrified awkward kid my first day of high school, and she was the very first person to smile at me in the halls. We had a couple classes together. To me she was this beautiful girl who never ceased to captivate my attention. She had a very adventurous life, with this crazy hippy family. I remember one time for class we walked over to her house and brought back her pet ducks for show and tell. She had been home schooled her whole life, and was SO smart. She used to get so frustrated over all the silly things they taught us. She didn’t come back after grade nine. Since then she has always popped into my thoughts.

Thanks to the power of Facebook we got back into touch with each other. Over the holidays she came back to Saskatoon, and we met up for coffee. Normally I hate running into people I went to high school with, it is always awkward. I didn’t have a ton of friends in high school and I have changed a lot since then, so it is always weird to catch up. But coffee with her wasn’t like that at all, it didn’t feel like we hadn’t seen each other in six years. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of familiarity, it just felt right. Talking with her was easy, we joked around and were open with each other.

Right now she lives in Montreal, but she is thinking about moving back to Saskatoon. I really hope she does. Usually I wouldn’t give a codename to someone I knew years ago and met up for coffee once, but this feels different. I have been thinking about this name for a while now, I like to find names that fit the person perfectly. I have though of one that fits her pretty well. There is one other name that fits better, but the time is not right to use it. So for now she is Wild Flower, because she exudes an enchanting energy of beauty and freedom. Carried on the breath of the wind there is no place in the world that she can’t bloom, wherever she chooses to grow she adds beauty to it. Like a wild flower growing on the border of the forrest and on the side of a highway. Signaling the end of paths laid out for us, and marking the start of freedom. Hopefully this isn’t cheesy, I have that tendency.

I have more BIG news to do with my transition. Make sure to watch my next video I will announce what it is. I am very excited, and nervous about it. The video should be up on Monday or Tuesday.

Til then, HELLO WEEKEND! I loveded you Weekend, I loveded you. That is an Invader Zim reference. Google it, and prepare yourself for the cuteness that is Gir. There are a few fictional creatures that I wish for as pets – Gir, a closet hippo, an Ewok, and a pocket monkey. I promise I would walk them every day, and feed them, and love them, and clean up after them. Please!

Anyway, this weekend I am partying with my boys, and going for brunch! A meal that has become a staple in my life after a night of crazy antics.

- With all the love in my Superhero heart,

Eros

I am really jealous of everyone during this time of year. I don’t like feeling jealous no matter what the situation, because than I feel like I am not appreciating what I do have.
My family doesn’t really celebrate the holidays. No family supper or hanging out together. My parents are working today. I am jealous of all of my friends who spend a few solid days with their family. Those who have families that care enough to fly across the country. My family lives in the city, and we don’t see each other.

Christmas has a way of magnifying the problems of a family. That doesn’t really matter though, because that is what families are, dysfunctional. You love each other anyway, you come together to drive each other nuts and reminisce about the good and the bad.
It isn’t like that in my family. I don’t have a bad family. I am proud of my parents, but my family (excluding my younger brother and I) just isn’t close. There won’t be hugs and ‘I love you’s’, just awkward pats and silence.

My day is going to look something like this: lay in bed watching Weeds, see a movie alone, around 8pm when my parents get home we will exchange gifts. Everyone will share an extremely awkward hug with my Mom. My Dad will sit in the corner watching TV and won’t hug us or say Merry Christmas. After 15 minutes of that awkwardness, we will all retreat into our rooms feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
Ah, a typical holiday in Avery’s house. ‘Tis the season.

I just want you all to appreciate what you have. I know your family is probably dysfunctional as hell in its own way, but at least you can count on hearing ‘I love you’ from a family member.

This is why my friends are so important to me. Why I put a little extra effort into birthday presents or holiday stuff. I know it isn’t the price of a gift that matters, but letting the person know you put your heart behind it and that you are excited to spend time with them on a special day.

If videos surface on the internet of me in Superman boxers and a ninja mask running around a Christmas tree while drinking wine from the bottle, it is because that is how I celebrate the holidays.

I have started watching Weeds, it is a TV show about a suburban mom selling pot. It is really entertaining, but is planting bad ideas in my head. If a suburban house mom can sell pot that successfully, then a smart kid like me could. Sure, I may never have smoked pot or done a drug in my life, but I could figure it out. Being a poor student sucks.
As a way of making money I am also considering stripping for Cougars, becoming a Go-Go dancer, or selling my body for people to do drugs/eat sushi off of. If you are interested in any of those services let me know, I do parties.

Earlier this week Juliet and I hung out, and things between us finally came to a head. Everything, and nothing has changed.

I have liked Juliet since this summer. I knew instantly that I did, I actually turned to her sister and told her that I was going to marry Juliet. If you have read the blog you know that at one point Juliet was fairly open about liking me, than something changed and I took it as a sign that she wasn’t into me anymore. I had tried to talk to her about what exactly was going on between us, but due to both of our lacking conversational skills in that area nothing was really talked about. I didn’t want to wreck our friendship, so I decided to try and move past my crush on her. Recently that plan was just starting to take off nicely. I went on a few dates with people, and was being flirty. I was doing a really good job at distracting myself.

She and I hung out at her place, we sat around and talked. Very soon after I walked in, I noticed something was different. She was being flirty with me like she used to be. We sat close to each other on the couch, and not like the accidental ‘whoops there is a pile of clothes taking up a lot of room, and I have to sit close to you’. There was no pile of clothes, she didn’t have to sit close. I over think everything, so I dismissed the foot cuddling as wishful thinking.

Since Juliet started distancing herself from me, I worked hard to not flirt with her or make moves on her. Well, no more than I usually do when I am around someone I think is cute. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, or make things weird between us.

Along with the seating arrangement, her stories were more flirty. I found a way to dismiss this, but after a while I decided to test the waters. I didn’t drown or get attacked by a shark while testing the waters, so I decided to swim out a bit deeper. It is ironic that I use a swimming metaphor since I actually do not know how to swim. Hopefully, that isn’t foreshadowing about how this situation ends.
Anyway, after giving myself plenty of pep talks, waiting for an opportunity and missing an opportunity, waiting for an opportunity and chickening out, and finally waiting for an opportunity and going for it. There was some kissing, more blushing, and even more head ducking. She rested her head on my shoulder, and in the crook of my neck. Ugh, she is so cute. I didn’t think I would ever get to be the one to make her get nervous and blush again.

It was getting late, and I had already ditched out on three people (SORRY!). As I was leaving, I asked for one more kiss since it is the holidays and I wouldn’t be seeing her for a couple weeks. I didn’t get one, instead she said she didn’t think it was fair. Hmmm? Five minutes ago everything was fair, so I was a bit confused.

Finally, months over due, we talk about what is going on between us.
She said that I wasn’t fair to me for us to be kissing, that she doesn’t want to hurt me. I figured out that she was saying this because there is someone else she thinks is cute. I already knew about the other guy, and it doesn’t upset me. She knew that I had started going on dates with other people. I told her the reason I had started to go dates was to be fair to her and me. I was giving others a chance, while still being patient and hoping that she would like me again. I told her that I am a big boy, and am responsible for my own feelings.

I left for home, a little while later she text me and our talk continued. She knows the stories of my past relationships, and knows I have put myself in situations that I deserved better then. I have a habit of being dragged along by girls, and being their back up plan. She thinks that our situation would be like those ones, and doesn’t want to do that to me.

I tried to explain that the fact that she is being honest about seeing other people makes this different from the other situations I’ve been in. I said that I don’t feel like a back up plan to her.

I would rather be with her like this, than with someone full time but who I don’t think is as amazing as she. I don’t want a relationship, just for the sake of having a relationship. If that was the case, I would have settled down with anyone a long time ago. It isn’t the form of the relationship that matters, it is the connection I feel with the person that is important.

She still didn’t think that it would be a good situation. Apparently she and this other guy are kind of serious. She said that maybe one day her and I would have our chance, but that right now we should just be friends. So I asked her if she was really sure that is all she wants me to be, and she hasn’t answered.

I am happy we finally had this talk, as I said before it changed everything, and nothing. I know now that I was mistaken about her not liking me anymore, but that may not change anything.

It is my choice to decide whether I am strong enough, and if I trust that I know myself. If I can’t trust that I know myself, then what is there to trust in?
In the end, I know what is fair and best for me. What I value is the connection; not the form of the relationship.

The healthiest relationship I have ever had was not officially a relationship. Sunshine and I saw each other for a while. We never gave a title, or promises to what we were. We just liked each other. She was allowed to do what she wanted, and I was allowed to do what I wanted. Eventually, she met someone else and went away traveling. There was no messy break up, or broken promises. Our friendship didn’t end, because we were friends through the whole relationship.

I guess this puts me back in the same position I was in before with Juliet, hoping that I will get my chance and being patient for it. A very smart friend of mine, one I trust very much, gave me advice about a situation like this. He said that he would, and has, been patient for someone and that he would do it again. His advice to me was that IF someone else came along that I had a connection with and felt was as amazing as Juliet that I shouldn’t let that pass me by. That it also is not smart to wait around, and forget to live.

That is my plan. I am grateful to have Juliet as a friend, and am content with that. If something were to change, and we got to be cuddle buddies sometimes that would be good too. No matter what I am just going to keep doing my own thing, focus on school, and do what makes me happy.

I am proud to introduce a new name into my blogging world, Nerd Life Partner (NLP when I am feeling lazy, and trust your ability to remember what it stands for).
My Nerd Life Partner has quickly become one of my best friends. He is one of the smartest, most understanding and aware people. He is the trust friend who gave advice about the Juliet situation.
He is aware of himself, a quality not many people can truly say the possess. His life isn’t full of unnecessary drama, and he takes the time to form healthy relationships in all areas of his life. Not only is he self aware, but he is very aware of the people and world around him. He takes the time to really listen and understand what people are saying, and are not saying.
I can honestly say that one of the best improvements in my life these last few months has been his friendship. We get along really well, we have a really good balance that is hard to find in friendships. We have thought filled, honest talks about life and all the things that don’t get talked about in small talk conversations. Yet we can still relax and have fun together.
Our idea of what is fun completely matches. I had never met anyone who was comparable in nerdiness to me, than I met Nerd Life Partner.
We have played the Wii for hours.
He gave me a binary clock! I have wanted a binary clock for years, and he had an extra one just laying around.
Yeah. Nerd city. Not only did he have ONE binary clock, but he had TWO!

It was Egypt week on National Geographic channel during my finals. I love Egypt week, my ass forms an imprint onto the couch during that week. I have been interested in ancient Egypt since I was a kid, so I was terribly upset when I learnt about the National Geographic week. I don’t get that channel. Enter NLP, he saved the day by recording EIGHT HOURS of ancient Egypt documentaries. Best friend EVER! We spent an evening together watching hour after hour, it was beautiful.

For the holidays we had coffee together and exchanged presents, I think that night really represents our relationship. He gave me a razor, and told me never to grow a teen stash. He also gave me a vintage Superman action figure in its original, unopened packaging.
I gave him the evolution of the Nintendo game controller. He works in a nerdy office and has been looking for something to put around his desk. So I gave him controllers from Nintendo, Super Nintendo, N64, and Game Cube.
We lost track of time having philosophical talks about the soul, love, religion and politics. Basically everything that you aren’t supposed to talk about at a party.

Enjoy the eggnog today! Put an extra shot of spiced rum in it for me. Remember, Santa doesn’t start his naughty list til tomorrow.

T Video on Monday!

- Avery