New Wave of Nerd

Right now, I love you forever.
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

I had a great debate about love with Juliet the other night. I don’t think enough people do this. Everyone thinks about finding someone, but not many people really think about what love is. They know they want it, but how is it possible to find something if you have no idea what it looks like. If we don’t think about what love is, or what kind of love we want, we can pass right by it.
We think we know love because we see movies, poems, or songs about it. Those are other people’s ideas of love, we are all individuals and love will be different for all of us.

Love is the driving force in my life. Don’t confuse that with romantic relationships being the sole agenda of my life. I have only dated three or four people, and they weren’t the healthiest of relationships. I am no expert on love. But I think I am ahead of the masses of people who are constantly dating someone, because they are terrified to be alone. I have been single for over a year. As nice as it would be to form a relationship of some sort with someone I am not desperate to do so. The longer I am single, the more time I have to develop myself. I think that people who jump from relationship to relationship are unhappy with themselves, and look for another person to fill voids within themselves. Which is completely unfair to their partner, and is bound to end in disaster.

I really don’t like the theory of ‘two become one’. This is the belief that you are half a being walking this Earth, and you only become whole when you meet your match. It is beautiful, and makes for a good story. But I don’t think it is a healthy way to live. A person can’t rely completely on another person for their happiness that is too big a burden for anyone to hold.
It was an interesting debate, and is an example of why I enjoy Juliet’s company so much.

I am trying my best to act in accordance with the fact that Juliet has placed me in the friend box. It is hard, she is really cute.

Since I decided to get over my crush on Juliet, I started giving other people around me a fair shot. I have been on two dates with two people in the last week. Both of the dates went really well.

I went for coffee with Zing, and had a fantastic time talking with her.

The other date was with a girl I had a school boy crush on a year and a half ago. She doesn’t get a code name yet, because I am far too messed up on cold meds and I don’t trust myself to pick a good one. Anyways, the situation with her was complicated, isn’t it always?

Get ready to see the confusing reality of the Saskatoon Queer community. I liked her. But her sister, whom I didn’t know, liked me. I told my ex girlfriend that I liked this girl, and that same night she took the girl home.
Yeah.
That was really friendly of my ex to do.
Welcome to the incestuous community of Queer Saskatoon. Everyone has been with everyone! There is like a 1 degree of separation in the city. That is why life is so much easier if you stay on good terms with ex’s, because at some point they are going to date your best friend who you have already most likely been with.

So obviously nothing happened with this girl and I than. She moved away to London for a year, and just returned home.

I went out to an open stage a friend puts on. The open stage was fantastic. The crowd was a really good mix of people, and the performers were great. From the open stage I went to Lydia’s for a dance party. This is where the girl and I began to catch up. We stayed pretty close the whole time we were there, and after I offered her a ride home. On the ride home she confessed that I made her nervous, which is perfect because I am my awkward self around her.
We have hung out again since that night, and it was great. I forgot how it feels to be around someone who is secure in themselves, and therefore can be honest and open with you. We went for a walk by the river, and than ended up talking for hours at her house. We had a good-bye kiss. Finally, it has only been in the works for a year and a half. Slow and steady wins the race, story of my life.

I love kissing. It is one of my favourite activity to do in the whole world. After we kissed she said I was the best kisser she had ever experienced. YEAH! Happy Dance! I have had other people tell me that, and it is the best thing to hear. I always say that I was put on this Earth to cuddle and kiss, it is what I am good at.

I am excited to see what happens with her and I. It has been in the works for a really long time, and I am happy to finally have a chance to know her.

As promised, my rant on Uggs. They are ugly. I don’t care if they are comfortable. Do you know who also uses that excuse? People who wear Crocs. That should be enough of a reason to realize that Uggs are bad news. All over campus I see girls walking around in sweats tucked into Uggs, gross. They are called UGGS for god sakes! “Ugg” is a noise a person makes when they are full of disgust. There are plenty of other boots that are both comfortable and stylish. Please, where those instead. Uggs had their reign, and it is LOOOONG over. When Britney Spears kicked off her Uggs to walk into a public bathroom barefoot that was the signal to stop wearing Uggs. So to everyone who didn’t pick up on that and continues to wear them, this is your final warning. If I see you wearing Uggs there is a good possibility that I will kick out your ankles.

I finished my school finals the week classes were done. It has been two week, and I have done absolutely nothing school related. I told myself I was going to get a head start on second term essays, but all I have done is watch Lady Gaga videos. I have a problem! I love her. Her crazy outfits, and weird dances mesmerize me. I dedicate this blog post to Lady Gaga, the only lady I need in my life. Without her songs studying and underwear dance parties would not be the same.

I have a cold :( I apologise for the grammatical errors, or if this update doesn’t make any sense. I blame it on all the cold medicine.

Next update due on Monday! T related video.

I am asking for you, my readers, to use your imagination while reading this post. I’ll give you a few seconds to find it. Look under the pile of bills, or the stack of homework you should be doing right now. Dust it off, make sure there are no chunky adult responsibility bits stuck to it. Now use it. It’s like riding a bike, you’ll remember how to do it. Think of sparkly unicorns, little periwinkle fairies, gargantuan blood red and gold dragons. My favourite things to think about are green and purple poke-a-dot long neck dinosaurs with ninjas and Superman riding them. And cupcakes. Didn’t you know that dino’s favourite snacks are cupcakes with sprinkles.

It is so easy to get tangled up, and weighed down by the many responsibilities of our lives. We get so wrapped up in the routines of our lives that are not making us happy. Take a break! A healthy one! We struggled through the work week toward the glowing golden light of a crisp beer at the end of the tunnel. We get loser drunk, wake up cuddling a garden gnome, and only feel worse about the place our lives are in. Why not try something different? I am not saying that waking up with a garden gnome is always bad, but maybe switch it up sometime. This is where your imagination comes in. You don’t have to wait for the weekend to use it. You can whip it out anytime. Your dignity will remain intact, and you won’t have to write any apology letters.

I am writing this update from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Practice using your imagination now. You aren’t reading this on your computer. A few moments ago a spotted brown barn owl dropped a roll of thick and heavy yellow parchment into your lap.

See, so much fun. Really though, I am writing this from Hogwarts. Yesterday night instead of going out partying I built a massive fort, and made a sign for it saying that it was Hogwarts. I am completely happy with my decision. I actually make forts often; I never grew out of it. Everything seems so much more fun if it is happening inside of a fort.
I challenge all of you to make a fort sometime this week, a good one with lots of sheets and chairs. Than tell me about it, post a reply on this update. I triple dog dare you to. Whoa, yeah. I went there.

Random fact about Avery: I was completely devastated when I turned 11, and didn’t get an acceptance letter from Hogwarts. It would STILL make my life if I received a Hogwarts acceptance letter in the mail.

Now it is time for your favourite part of my updates, you nosey little gossips, an update on my romantic life. I mentioned a cute girl and a girl who Facebook stalked me a couple posts back. I need to update more often because both of those situations have already come to an end. They actually ended on the same night, Halloween. It is ironic that I was dressed as Romeo because I left a trail of angry women that night.

I’ll first tell you about the cute girl. She is wicked, pretty much everything I look for in a person. She is a musician and painter, fantastic looking, great sense of fashion, and a really decent kisser ;) haha. But for some reason I just couldn’t develop any romantic feelings toward her. I am not sure why that is. Despite having a lot in common, we just didn’t click. I think I have mentioned before on here, but I experience moments where I instantly FEEL a connection with someone. I’m sure it sounds like hippy talk but when this happens it is like our souls connect or touch in a way that goes deeper than with most people I encounter. When I feel that jolt I know I need to take extra care to develop the relationship with that person. It rarely happens to me, but it is so powerful it is something I wait for to let me know that a person is someone to direct my heart too. It could have also been because my attention was focussed on someone else, Juliet. I tried to give it a fair chance, we went out on a few dates and talked a bit. But I was comparing her to someone she couldn’t win against, even though she was probably better for me.

So Halloween night I am dressed up as Romeo; I even memorized a fair bit of the play. I went to Diva’s for the Halloween competition, which was amazing! My friends are incredible; they put together some awesome costumes. It was filled to capacity that night; wall to wall people in bulky costumes. It was wicked hot, and everyone was loser drunk; so I wasn’t in a great mood. This is when the cute girl shows up at the bar and starts talking to me, which is fine. I am happy to see her. While we are yelling a conversation at each other over the music, friends of mine keep coming up to me to talk. Not wanting to be rude by ignoring them, I talk with them. When the friend would leave, I would turn back to the cute girl and continue talking with her. I could tell she was feeling upset, maybe because she felt ignored or something. I think I did the right thing, I am not going to blatantly ignore a friend who comes to talk. At some point another friend came up to me to talk, and when I turned back around she was gone. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but I am not sure what she was expecting that night. A bar on Halloween is no the place to have heart felt conversations, or really any conversation at all.

I didn’t try to find her that night and fix things. To be honest, I never called or got into contact with her, which is probably not the nicest thing to do. But I didn’t see the point since I had made my decision to not go on any more dates with her. I had figured out that I just didn’t feel it with her, so contacting her and getting together would have just lead her on.

This plan worked out fantastically well until I walked into a party last week and she was there. Awkward. Awkward as hell. Once I got up the courage I went to talk to her. It was awkward; we kinda tip toed around what happened without really talking about it. But after the party we talked to each other again and worked everything out. We were honest about everything, and she didn’t seem hurt at all. In fact she is going on dates with someone new, so it all worked out well for her.

Okay, back to Halloween night. I already have one angry girl at me in the bar, when my stalker shows up. She wasn’t actually a stalker . . . she just showed up at all the places I was.
Back story to this situation, pay attention because this is everything not to do if you ever want my attention. She approached me in the hallway at school to introduced herself and made small talk. A couple hours later she sent me a really long Facebook message saying nothing but how cute she thought I was. I ignored it. Don’t get me wrong, I love when people compliment me. But if the only thing you tell me about yourself is how much you like me, I don’t know anything about you. Kissing my ass is not going to get my attention, tell me your thoughts on something else, anything else! Let me know you have a brain, and a wicked sense of humour.

So the next day I am at my Fortress of Solitude, my favourite café, and she shows up. The Fortress of Solitude is my second home; almost all of my happy memories from the last three years are somehow connected to it. If I feel threatened that my happy place could be made an awkward place to attend I act in a way similar to the way a mother bear reacts to a person who is in between her and her cubs. Do not mess with my Fortress of Solitude.

I am there working really hard on an essay, when this girl sits down at the table beside mine. She starts up a conversation and not wanting it to be even more weird than it already is, because I ignored her message, I go along with it. After the small talk I get back to writing my essay when she throws a fucking paper air plane at me! Yeah. Not only that, but she has written another message telling me how cute I was on it. Awesome. She stays there for about two hours, before she leaves. I go to Diva’s that night and guess who is there. Yay. So I spent the whole night avoiding her. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone in a club that small? It takes incredible skill, and completely ruins any chance at having a good time. Throughout the night I was approached by a few people asking me if I was dating anyone. I didn’t think anything of it until later in the night when a friend came over and asked if “I liked that loud and obnoxious blonde over there.” Sigh. Ah, I remember when I asked Lindsay to ask Ian to ask Stacey if Ashley liked me; I was in grade two. Seriously, why not just pass a note through the club that says “Do you like me? Yes, no, maybe. Check one”. Time to act like grown ups.

Halloween night she shows up at the bar, and while I was on the dance floor a friend of mine grabbed me and danced me off in another direction. I figured he just wanted to dance. Nope. I had been lead into a trap. He danced me over against the wall, and guess who was standing there. Surprise! It seemed like she told every person in the bar that she liked me, and wrangled them into getting my attention for her. So in the most non graceful way possible I literally danced out of that situation. But not before I told the friend that danced me into that situation that I am not interested in that girl at all. I haven’t heard from her since than, but we have a couple classes near each other so I see her daily and it is kinda weird.

I’m quite sure I have been securely placed in the friend zone with Juliet. Which sucks, but she is a really, really fantastic person and I am extremely happy to have her as a close friend. Now I just need to stop lusting after her and it will be cool haha.

I may or may not have had a date last week. I’m not exactly sure what it was, we went to supper than watched a couple movies. I hope it was a date, they are a super interesting. I’ll keep you up to date with that one.

I had the best night out in a really long time on Friday. I went to Lydia’s to watch Kinnie Starr, and The Fugitives. When you are done reading this post, google them both. They are amazing! Kinnie Starr played a few tender songs, than she got up and laid down some slam poetry! SLAM POETRY. A few were call and response, and the audience got into it. One was about oral sex, of course everyone got into lol. The Fugitives sound a bit like the band Mother Mother, who if you haven’t heard them are fantastic. They were basically slam poetry set to music. Unlike anything I’ve every heard, they completely blew my mind.

What was even better than the music was the crowd, most of my favourite lesbians and people in the city where there. It was a nice change to see everyone outside of Diva’s. I had some crazy experiences that night. The feeling of the night can really be summarized by a conversation I had with my friend Gaze about pubic hair. I don’t remember how we got talking about this subject, but I’m glad we did.

*Spoiler Alert . . . Sort of. Intimate Details about to be discussed*

I admitted to wanting to shave my pubes into the Harry Potter lightening bolt. Yup. Try not thinking about that next time you see me HA. She said that she wanted to shave a mistletoe, and than dye it the proper colours. We than discussed everything that would go with that. People would have to kiss while under neither it.
That night I was handed two handfuls of condoms by a lady dressed up as Wonder Woman or Super Girl, I don’t remember. But I can say that was the first time I have ever experienced that.

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of sexual tension that filled Lydia’s that night. It was like a game of musical chairs was being played. While the music was playing everyone pranced around the dance floor and when the song stopped you flirted with the person you ended up beside. Everyone had a good time, and it didn’t end in drama. If anyone was declared the winner of that game of music chairs, it would have been me. The band introduced a song by saying that for the length of the song the audience was supposed to make out with the person that they didn’t think they stood a chance with. Zing (I mentioned her in some previous posts) and I had spent a fair bit of the night standing beside each other when the musical chair songs stopped, but instead of flirting with each other as we had been throughout the night we decided to take what the band said to heart and find someone to make out with. I went and found an incredibly captivating lady friend, and charmed her. She and I have a little bit of a history, while I was in high school I had a total crush on her. The one and only time I ended up in her bed (to cuddle!) I over slept and was late for my physics final. It was totally worth it though haha. So I went up to her, and turned on my flirting skills. I asked if she had heard what the band said while introducing the song, she hadn’t so I repeated it to her. She said she would, but that she was here with someone. To which I replied, “so we should go around the corner?” and started walking toward it. She followed laughing, but said she couldn’t tonight. But that I should text her on Monday, so that we can make out in the library. WIN! It has been a goal of mine since starting school to have library make outs. I’ll let you know if it actually happens, actually I may not need to. If you feel the Earth tremble a bit on Monday afternoon that is me doing a happy dance.

Tonight I am going to slam poetry at Flint, a lot of the same people who were at Lyd’s on Friday will be out tonight. I am hoping that we can make tonight as epic as that night was.

I promised you all a rant about sweats, prepare yourself for it. I hate sweats with a passion. I don’t own a single pair. If I did, I would not wear them outside of the house. Ever. If the house was burning down and I was wearing sweats I would change out of them before running out of the building. It is not okay to wear sweats out in public. Apparently the majority of people attending University were never told this. I see so many people at school wearing the most ridiculous outfits. I have seen a girl wearing grey stained sweats, tucked into COWBOY BOOTS! What?! Excuse me, but I am not paying thousands of dollars to be visually assaulted like that. You know you are on a Saskatchewan campus when. Way to go Ag students, working hard to keep everyone believing Saskatchewan is full of hicks. I also have seen many students wearing sweats with a fancy club shirt. Uh . . . that doesn’t work. Maybe they think they can balance out their outfit by wearing the two extremes. My disgust applies to guys who wear sweats as well. Just don’t do it. If I have to see your junk jiggling around while I am trying to think about what the soul is, you are going to find out what happens to the soul after death. If I don’t see your junk while you are wearing sweats, I am judging you. I assume you have a tiny man bit. So you see it is a lose-lose situation.

This is really long, hopefully you didn’t get bored halfway through. I will update again soon. I told my parents, so I will let you know how that is going. I actually will update more often, lots of people have told me they read this so I have motivation to keep writing. They love me! They really love me!

- Avery Eros Finley (House of Gryffindor)

Do you take cream, or sugar? Would like a cookie?
Writing this blog makes me feel like we (me the author of this blog, and you the reader of this blog) are talking over coffee. It has everything a coffee date needs, a friendly catch up, a little bit of gossip, and discussing what is going on in the world.

First off I need to get something off my chest. This is serious, and it has really been a burden on me. I have begun to be secretive, and embarrassed of my actions. I think if I talk about them to you whom I trust I can start to feel better about it.
Okay.. Here goes.. I love True Blood.
More than I secretly love Lindsay Lohan, and even more than how strongly I wish for her acting career to return to the prime state it was in during Mean Girls, or even Parent Trap.

I love the TV series. I think whatsherface Rouge is perfect as Sookie.
I am so addicted to True Blood that whenever I see Sookie’s name I repeat it in my head the way Bill says it.
Sookie.
Sookie.
Sookie.

I bought the book set, which consists of eight books, and finished it in less than three weeks.
I passionately picked the side of one of Sookie’s love interests, in a fashion similar to the way my mother feels about love stories on her soap operas.
I have a problem. I admit it, and that is the first step.

Okay, whew. Now that I have cleared my conscious, it is back to business.

I survived midterms, and got one back today. I got 85%, which I am pretty happy with. However those people who came into contact with me during midterm week didn’t fair well. When I am stressed, I turn into a giant gross zit that explodes on those around me for making tiny demands, like wanting an answer to the question of how my day was, or returning a smile they shared with me.
I’m going to leave you sit for a minute with the image of a gigantic human sized zit exploding on someone. Not a black head type zit, but a real pussy (head out of the gutter!) white head full of goo.

Okay? Yeah? Still holding down your lunch? Good! Then I will continue.

I got some very interesting news in the T department today. My friend who got his referral to the same doctor I am going to see got news of his appointment today. He starts testosterone on Wednesday. The doctor we are going to see is apparently really busy all the time because he does a bunch of stuff other then the transition thing. My friend got his referral three months ago, and just heard from the doctor today. But this news makes me think I am going to hear from the doctor right away too. From the sounds of it he does his own booking of appointments with people referred to him, so for me it makes the most sense that he will do all the booking for trans patients referred to him at once. I am assuming because of the size of Saskatoon, and how small the Queer community is that my friend and I were the only ones referred to him in the last three months. Which means that I should be getting a call tomorrow (crossing all of my fingers, and praying to Buddha), and get an appointment to start T next week!
I really hope that is how it happens, I don’t want to wait two months or more to hear from him. I just want to be me. Be prepared for a very depressed Avery if I don’t hear from him within the next week.

The reality that it could happen as soon as next week has really made me focus. There are things I feel like I need to do.
One thing I desperately need to do is tell me parents. I didn’t think I would hear from him this fast, so I put it off. But they need to know before I start T. If I hear from the doctor tomorrow, I will tell my parents the same day. Friends be prepared for the possibility of me sleeping on your couch for a night. I think knowing the day I get start will help me with telling them, because no matter how they react it is going to happen. I think they will do okay with it, I know it is going to shock them and take time for them to be okay. I am thinking it will kinda be like me telling them I like girls, only I am hoping it will go better since they’ve already gone through it once. It was rough at first, but they got better with time. That is what I expect of them.

Another thing I feel like I have to do is hug all the people I care about one last time in this body. For me it won’t be a good-bye hug, because I am finally becoming the real me. But more a Thank you/Remembrance hug. You people have added to my happiness and kept me going in the rough patches. We have so many memories together with me in this body, and I just want to honour those memories with a hug and welcome in the new memories we are going to make. But I am aware that maybe those people need will to say a good-bye in some way to the body I have had throughout our relationship.

Also, I feel like I need to have a tribute to this body. Really become fully aware of every part of it, and thank it. Honour it, the way it has honoured and loved me. A long meditation session is needed.
I don’t feel like this is going to be the death of this body, it may sound that way but it is in fact the exact opposite. I know that this body is going to grow, and become all that it should be. I feel like I should honour it one last time in the form it is now.

Another note on my transition is how well the pronoun change is going. The people around me are phenomenal. I am proud to be around my friends. They are trying so hard to use the right pronouns. It doesn’t both me one bit if they slip up because I can see they are trying, which means they respect me.

‘I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one’, was the first sentence I learned how to sign using sign language. Random fact about Mr. Fin, also a wicked segway (every time I heard that word I think of those scooter things…hey! Something shiny!) into my next topic, which is what I appreciate most, girls.

Things are going really well in that department.
I got hit on, and then Facebook stalked by some girl yesterday.
Juliet and I are still in contact. Pretty much in the same place I mentioned last post, which was up in the air. But I enjoy floating, so I’m okay with it.

I went on a date with a new girl. She randomly flirted with me this summer at an ice-cream place she worked at, then a couple weeks later we were introduced officially through some friends. She went away to Montreal for a little while, but contacted me recently. I didn’t remember her at all, whoops. After a little while it came back to me, so we went out on a date. I think it went decently well.

But I feel like I may just be going through the motions. Doing what I know I am supposed to be doing but not really connecting. Maybe because I am still happily up in the air with Juliet, and because the new girl really likes me, and chased after me. Which I know is a good thing, and shows that she is not playing games.

But there is some weird part of me that prefers to do the chasing. I usually don’t pay as much attention to those who chase after me, than if it happens the other way around. I don’t know why it is, if you have an idea tell me.
Is it because I target girls that I subconsciously know I won’t get a real relationship with, thus freeing myself from any real pain that might come from a real relationship?
Or it is the complete opposite, maybe I like getting hurt and that is why I pick girls who will play around with me.?
Or maybe it is neither of those options, maybe I pick girls that truly capture my attention and what follows coincidently happens in a similar pattern every time.
I like to think it is the last option.
Wow, I just went all Dr. Phil on ya’ll, just let ‘re buck all over ya’lls. See what I did there. I live in Saskatchewan I know how to talk county hick.

Anyhoodle, we should have coffee again sometime soon. It was really nice to see you again! Okay. Bye, Bye now.
Yeah, but fo rizzle. I wIlL uPdAtE yOu aS sOoN aS I hEaR fRoM tHe DoCtOr AbOuT t, oR sOoNeR iF tHaT dOeSn’T hApPeN RiGhT aWay.

P.S. If you ever talk to me like that in text or on the computer I will find you, and cunt punch you so hard that your grandbabies feel it.

P.P.S. SOOKIE!

That is all.

- Mr. Fin

Mere hours after the best present ever it was time to go out and celebrate my birthday.

A ‘Drink a Straight bar Gay’ event was going on that night, so I decided to party at Whiskey Jacks. All the Queers/Allys wear pink, and go to a straight bar for a change. It was an okay night. I never really have a whole lot of fun at DASBG events. A football game was on, and they wouldn’t turn it off! So a room full of homos who wanted to dance had to sit through a whole game.

I got laughed at because I asked how many periods were in a game. I don’t know football! Okay! I admit it. It just seems a bit barbaric to me, and I don’t like how angry masses of people get over it. I don’t dislike the sport, or sports in general. I enjoy throwing a football around with some light tackling. I played highly competive sports my whole life. I could have got a scholorship to the states because of my skill. I just dislike the mass hysteria that occurs when large amounts of money and pride become involved.

So once the game was over it was karaoke/dance time. The night started to get a bit more fun. Most everyone who attends these events has a blast, but a few of us don’t as much. It is fun to experience different bars, and different music. But spending the whole night being stared/laughed at is not fun, neither is having my sex evaluated by rude groups. If you are honestly curious ask away in a polite fashion. If you are trying to be an asshole and ask really loudly to a group of people ‘whether I’m a chick or a dude’, I’ll say something about it.

Also a person can only handle so many board shorts/dirty flip flop, wranglers/cowboy hats, combos with the background noise of grunting replays of the football game, and statements like ‘A dude can’t turn anywhere in this bar without seeing a fucking faggot’.
The night wasn’t a complete bust, but it wasn’t the best.

However, Saturday night was near-perfect.
My last birthday was a bit of a disaster due to drama, surprise! That bitch lurks everywhere! This year was different there was no drama. A group of friends and I met at a pub early in the night. A good number of people showed up, most of the people I really wanted to come did. Everyone seemed to be having fun, and got along well. I got a really nice wallet, and a gift certificate from Juliet and her sister. A couple really nice cards, full of loving words, and a little robot that dances like me.
From the pub the party made its way to Diva’s for a dance party. We got there early because we didn’t want to wait in line, so the dance floor was mostly empty to start. But everyone danced anyway, we all felt comfortable with each other. It was really nice. The night flew by! Dancing, hugs and laughter seems to make time speed up.

Every year I think hard about a birthday wish/goal. Last year it was; ‘I am the aware, awakened Leader of my life. I will journey the path toward love, happiness and prosperity by being aware and present.’ This year it was ‘I wish to discover intimate, true, pure love in myself, and others. To respect, and cherish whatever form the love takes, and to be aware that every, including love, is temporary.’

This comes from the awareness of this missing from my life. I have many friends and acquaintances, and I can go anywhere with the guarantee of knowing someone there. But I do not have a best friend. There are people who crush on me, but who are not intimate. I am not close enough with anyone to call up on a regular basis to cuddle and watch a movie/play video games/do nothing with. I don’t have one person I can call up and pour my problems out onto, and no one does that with me. I can call up a few people for ‘random fun’ if I wanted too. But I have no one to cuddle with at night, and wake up next to for those profound pillow talks. So that is my goal/wish this year, I just have to trust the universe to make it happen.

I made this birthday wish on a cute purple cake made by a couple really beautiful people, Goddess, and my favourite little blondie. They even sang me happy birthday. So we (myself, and a few of my closest friends) spent the night catching up on each others lives, and eating cupcakes. It was really nice, one of those quiet nights that are always way better then going out partying.

Things with Juliet are up in the air. I really have no idea what is going on. I know my side. I’m crushin’ on her. I can’t figure out what she is thinking and feeling. She hasn’t been talking to me as much as usual, and she is hanging out with a new boy, who incidently looks/acts quite a bit like me. He is a really nice guy, so if she does like him I am glad. It is hard to tell what is going on. She does contradictory things. Example, my birthday, she kisses me then literally a few minutes later she tells me to “Go find a lady.” What?

Whatever happens I hope things don’t get weird, I would like to stay friends. I am not going to be all butt hurt over this and not want to be her friend. There are plenty of other really interesting people for me to get interested. A new motto? I think so.

I think that is where I am going to end this post. I need to find one more item to complete my Halloween costume. The search continues! I will update soon with some of my more random thoughts/events.

My fullest attentions have ever only been directed at people who see beauty. Beauty in forms others do not see. They are aware of the love that exists in every form around them.

So few people I have met have this ability. When I get to know one of these people I see the beauty in them, and I honour it. Now seeing how I am single, with no close friends, you can deduce what happens.

I see this beauty in them, the force that is life. They do not see it in me.
Now this is not just me pouting over all the rejections I have had. Well, maybe it is. But I think it is something more. This is more then a rejection from a stranger, or even a person you knew well. Yes, being rejected by a significant other hurts. But I’ve found that a lot of people have significant others they don’t see beauty in. Not on the level I am talking, their relationships are that of convenience.

How do I know I really like someone? When I can feel a strong enough connection with them that I know with absolute certainty that every fiber of their being is seeking truth.
So when these people, whether they are romantic interests or friends, do not see beauty and truth in me I send myself into pits of thought like the one you are reading. I know that those people recognize and see beauty, and they did not find it in me. Therefore, it must not exist in me.
If these are the people I know without a doubt are the seers of beauty and they only pause for a second on me, what does that mean?

- Eros

Sorry! So much for updating regularly. I have been busy with my social life, and now school.
I squeezed as much summer fun into the last weeks of August as I could. “Like when life gives you aids, make lemon-aids”. . . Wait, that isn’t how the saying goes. Whatever, when life gives me free time I squeeze wine and adventures from it.
“. . .” Sarah Silverman, Jesus is Magic.

I’ll give a quick recap of all the areas of my life since my last post.

My transition is going really well. I talked to my gender therapist about starting testosterone at my last appointment.
I also saw my dermatologist to warn her, and try to set up a game plan for my skin. During my first puberty, and even now I have had horrible skin. Testosterone very commonly brings about bad ache. It makes sense as to why this happens. It is a whole new puberty, and not a gradual one like the first. My dermatologist thinks that my skin shouldn’t be too horrible, since we can get a jump on it.

My next appointment with my Gender Therapist is coming up quickly, October 2, the day before my birthday. I am really hoping, and think that she will give me my referral for testosterone. I am going to be really devastated if she doesn’t.
I think it will happen though. It is so perfect, like it is meant to be this way. Almost 20 years to the day I get ‘permission’ to be born into the right body, the one I should have been born into.
If I get my referral from my Doc, I should be starting testosterone early in the New Year! Within weeks from my first shot I may be passing to everyone as a guy!

I am so happy I went through with my name change before I registered for school. I could not handle being called my birth name during class. In front of all those strangers, some of whom think I am a guy. It would be really hard to have that taken away had they heard my birth name.
But I am having some trouble in school, due to my transition. I am afraid to speak up in class. Not because I am worried that I have the wrong answer, or what I say will be stupid. But because I stress that my classmates, who up til this point may see me as a guy, will figure out when I talk that I am not a regular guy.

I have approached the tutorial leader of my Women and Gender`s study class about being trans, and my preference for male pronounces. I wasn`t afraid to talk to her about it. She teaches a WGSt class, obviously she is going to be cool with it. I probably won`t mention it to any of my other Profs, they will just have to be confused once I start hormones. It was important for me to mention it to this Prof because the class size is so small, and meant to be an inimate one. I knew I would be being called on, and talking in class and wanted to be referenced correctly.

I need to start being more firm with my friends about pronouns. Up to this point only a few call me by male hormones, and it is because they asked what I prefer. I need to bring it up to my friends who haven`t asked. It is just kind of a pain, and can be an awkward conversation. But it is a neccisary one, seeing how quickly my transistion is going.

I think I am going to grow my hair out, once I’ve started T. I really love the look of long (well maintained) hair on guys. I think my hair would be wavy, and handsome. Some might even say Fabio-est. Maybe my long hair will make me tough enough to take a goose flying into my face at full speed. Or maybe, having long hair will cause a wind matching to follow me around in life. I will start wearing a half open, ruffly white shirt!

As I already mentioned, University has started for me. I love it. I really do. Not just because of all the babes walking around campus, and not only for the free food that is given away on welcome week. I love my classes. I’m happy with the selection of classes that I have. I am interested in all of them.
It is already a lot of work, lots of reading. But as long as I keep up with that I will be fine.
Not much has changed since I was in high school. Students are still immature, and sometimes lazy. I was prepared for this, since it is so common for everyone to go on to higher learning. Even the douche bags, and people with the lowest marks come to University. I may not have as high as average as I did in high school, but I can guarantee that it will be higher then those select students. Which doesn’t mean much, seeing how they can barely do up a belt, which I assume is why their pants are falling down.

My social life hasn’t slowed down at all. The long weekend just past, and I had a lot of fun during it.
Friday night I went to fireworks. They were being launched off one of the bridges, and they were set to music. It was really cool to watch. What made the fireworks so enjoyable was the person I saw them with. The unnamed girl from my previous post, who I’ve decided to call Juliet. Due to our mutual love for the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet, and because I joke that we are star crossed.

I am actually going as Romeo from that movie, when he is at the Halloween party dressed as a knight. So technically I am going as Leonardo DiCaprio playing Romeo, who is dressed as a knight. Basically, I am going to be a total babe. If anyone has any chain mail, or knows where I can get something like it, please let me know.

Juliet and I sat down on some painted rocks by the river, it is hidden away so it wasn’t as busy as the rest of the area.
We shared our usual banter, and held hands during the show.

I guess I should update you on that situation.
Previous to the fireworks Juliet and I have had some consistent flirting. Well, consistent on my part. Every so often she throws something out that makes the time between worth waiting.
We kissed once, on a night of semi-drunk adventures. We wandered the city looking for a unicorn, and ended up on a train bridge. On the train bridge we discovered the Mothman, or at least some giant shadowy figure. I am grateful to that frightening figure because it scared Juliet into my arms for the first time. Where at the last minute I gathered enough courage to kiss her.

So that brings us to the night of the fireworks. A bit of time had passed from when our first kiss had taken place. I thought maybe she got scared, and couldn’t be interested in me.
I joke that we are star crossed lovers. Because I got stuck in the wrong body, a body she is not normally attracted too. But that will change soon. Despite that fact, she seems to like me and will hopefully stick around til I can start T and fix our crossed stars.

So we watched the fireworks, more accurately I try to not stare at how beautiful she looked in the flashes of the fireworks. Then we went on one of our random adventures. We end up in a little community garden. We kiss again! This time it is not just a quick small thing. We stay close for a while. Most important, neither one of us is drunk.
I say it is important because there have been people before who only let themselves be attracted to me when drunk. I’m really glad this is not one of those situations.

I really like being around her. We are both awkward. So we can appreciate and understand each other quite well. If anyone was to watch us, THEY would feel awkward from the raw awkwardness we generate. But it is a really cute awkward.

It felt so great to hold her close to me, to have that intimacy, something that has been missing from my life for a while now. She is really insightful. She notices small things about people or a situation that most people don’t notice.

I like her. Enough to barely notice, and ignore the advances of others. I reject them without a second thought. Not because Juliet and I are committed in anyway, we are definitely not at that point. But because I don’t want to mess up my chance with her, and because the mild flirting and situation we have now is more then what those other people offering can give me.
It doesn’t matter to me if nothing comes of this situation. I’m happy, and having fun with what it is now. If she becomes/is interested in some other guy that is fine by me. I don’t want that to happen. But I like her enough to want her happy, and I will be happy with what did happen between us, however small.

So that is quite a big new development. I have found someone that has captured my attention like no one has in over a year.

Back to this weekend, so Friday night was a huge success. It was followed by another fun night. Saturday I went to a friends house party. He had the most beautifully decorated house that I have ever seen, inside or outside of a magazine. It was in the heart of the ghetto, so I walked to the door assuming the outside to match the inside but was greatly surprised. I was re taught the lesson of not judging a book by its cover.
After the house party, we all went to Diva’s for a dance party. I didn’t stay for too long, because I had to work in the morning. But it was really busy, and fun while I was there.

I worked all day Sunday, then went to a drag show. A friend of mine is a drag king, and was being celebrated at the club. It was a fun evening, nothing too rowdy seeing as I was tired from work.

Monday was just as wonderful as the previous days had been. Juliet and I brought a bucket full of paints to the river rocks we sat on during the fireworks, and painted rocks. I have been wanting to paint one of those rocks with someone for a long time now, and I’m glad it was with her.
Scary monsters seem to be a recurring event for us. First the Mothman up on the train bridge, now the Ogopogo by the river. While we were painting the river rocks something splashed out of the water right near us. It sent us scambling up the hill of rocks, screaming like sissies’. We think it was a little furry creature we had saw earlier swimming near us. At the time we were positive it was Ogopogo.

Which bring us to today, where I had my 3rd day of classes. Hopefully that is an entertaining enough update to keep you guys reading. I will update soon, I promise!

- Avery Eros

Sorry, this is going to be a long-winded description. I think it is important to show where I started, and where I am now with my first coming out. I say first because there is going to be a second . . . and third.

I came out to my parents as liking girls in grade ten, at the age of 15. They didn’t take it badly, but they could have taken it better. My family does not talk about feelings, problems or anything. We only do if it can’t be ignored anymore, then once it has been talked about once it is never brought up again. That is how my coming out was.

My mom asked me if I liked girls. I said yes. She said don’t tell Dad, and the compared me to Rosie O’Donnell, seriously.
To this day I have never ‘officially’ come out to my Dad. He knows, and he is really good with it. He makes girls who stay over eggs in the morning. It wasn’t always like that, but I know they still love me and always have.
It would have been nice to hear them say it during that stressful time, but that’s just not how we work.
It has been about five years since I told them, and we have made some progress. Not a lot, but some.
They rarely ask about girls in my life. When they do they never say ‘girlfriend’ they say ‘friend’.
“How is your friend doing? Are you and your friend okay?”
It would be really nice to hear them say it, instead of tip toeing around it.

They don’t understand, or even try, to understand my life. It is very different from theirs, more liberal. They think my vegetarianism, yoga, drag shows, pride parades, music festivals, political opinions/awareness, basically everything I do in my free time is strange.
They blame the things they don’t like about me on my being Queer. Which is not really fair, straight people can like all those things. They don’t understand that my straight friends do many of those things as well. It is just our generation to be liberal. It’s not a sexuality disconnect. It is just a classic generation gap.
Besides those things they are really good. They don’t grill me about where I am going, with whom, and why I didn’t come home.

My Dad’s biggest problem with it is what he calls ‘flaunting it’. He doesn’t think we should have a flag or parade. That we are asking for special rights. Pride week is always a tense week in my house. They jokingly said every time I walked out of the house that week, “Are we going to see you on the news?’ Turns out they did haha. It was just a crowd shot, and I was visible.

My sister and I have never really talked about it too much. There is a big age difference between us, so we aren’t really close. I know she has gay male friends, so she is not against it.

My younger brother, whom I think is gay (YAY! I’m so proud) is really good about it. He is my best friend. He doesn’t care who I like, just who I am. I recently took him as my guest to a gay wedding. He had a blast, and got along with my friends really well. He also has shown nothing but support with my name change, he tries to call me it when he remembers and that means a lot.

My older brother is a different story. He and I have never really got along well. When I came out, he was not supportive at all. Whenever we would fight, he would call me names and bad mouth me. One time, during pride week, I was wearing a pride flag as a cape and he saw me. He called me a “fucking fairy faggot in a cape”, not cool. Then in the last year he has improved greatly. He asked about girls in my life. It turns out that a girl that I saw is a babe that some of his friends talked about. When he found out that he was proud in a weird way, like it’s okay I like girls as long as they are babes.

Since my brother has started showing serious signs of being gay, my parents have had to accept this is something that is not going away. They jokingly blame me for his actions, saying I brought him over to the dark side. I know they are joking, but I think part of them believes it.

I think another thing that changed, and resulted in improving their comfort level is how I react around them. Before the only time we ever talked about it, it was always on a very tense note. I have loosened up around the subject, and don’t jump to the defence anymore. I bring it up first, instead of ignoring it until it is brought up negatively. I poke fun at myself, and the situation. Saying that I am this because my mom has fed us Homo milk our whole lives. Or because she let me run around in boys bathing suits til I was in grade two. Silly things, that make them look at it in a humorous way.

It gets a healthy discussion going. My mom has said that she’s started watching talk shows on the issue, and that she knows it is something born not chosen. She also recently brought up that she saw Cher’s child is transitioning. Which leads me to believe that maybe she has started to pick up on that fact.
She had been asking me since I was twelve if I liked girls, so she obviously wasn’t blind to it. She must be picking up on signs that I am not a lesbian, I hope.

I’m really scared to come out to them again. I’ve been putting it off. I have no idea how to do it, or how they will react. This isn’t something that they can just ignore like they did me liking girls. Everyone is going to notice when I start growing a beard. I feel horrible for putting them through this, it must be embarrassing for them. I wish I didn’t have to do this to them, but it has to happen.

Yup. So this is my coming out part two.
Deep breathe, open closet door, peek head out and look both ways, baby steps out.
I am Trans.

Okay, not that big a surprise if you have read any of my other posts. But I have made some decisions regarding that. I am 98% sure that I am going to be on testosterone to change my body male at some point in my life.
I am 89% sure that I am ready for that time to be soon. I am going to talk to my Gender Therapist about it a bit more. Make sure that it is the right time for it. I’m quite sure it is, I want my body to better match who I am inside.
I see my therapist again in two weeks, I’ll bring up my concerns and worries with her so we can discuss them. Right now only minute things are worrying me. Things like acne. I’ve had really bad problems with my skin since my young teens and testosterone leads to acne problems.

That wasn’t so bad, right? Rip the bandaid off quick and clean. Let’s do this again.

Deep breath, don’t look back at the closet, bounce on the balls of my feet, little stretch, and go.
So I am a trans guy.
Who likes girls.
And guys.

Dizzy, don’t pass out, breathe.
So yeah, I am a bi guy.
That is a recent discovery.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. I never seriously kissed a boy until just recently. But I liked it, and I would like a boyfriend like character in my life.
It has been a slow confusing process figuring this out. You think I would be better at this by now, having done it so many times.

I started to figure it out over a year ago. When I went on two accident dates with guys, and didn’t mind as much as a person who just likes girls should. What was confusing was trying to decipher liking them. I knew I didn’t like them as a girl liking a boy. I liked them as a guy liking a guy, but I still hadn’t solidly planted my feet on understanding ground with the trans thing. But the more I got comfortable, and understood being trans the more I couldn’t deny that attraction to guys.

If you read my blog regularly, you will have noticed in the last month or so I’ve kissed guys. I did this not a girl kissing guys, but as guy with guys. The guys have known about me being trans. That’s the only way it can happen.
Once I start testosterone it will be easier for me, and guys. Right now, I get mistaken for a cute twink 80% of the time. With testosterone it will only improve. I look like a cute boy, but I still have female features that would change with hormones. I wouldn’t be so soft, I’d have more hair on my body and face, my hair line will change, my face, my body size and form. I will look, and sound like a regular guy.

This brings up another issue I want to talk about with my Gender Therapist. It is fairly common in females who take testosterone for their sexual preference to change. Meaning they start off liking girls, and end up liking just guys. My therapist says that sexuality doesn’t change if you’ve never had that attraction before. If a person has never liked guys, at all, that won’t change. But if there is an underlying attraction, it may be enhanced with hormones.
When I didn’t understand my gender I only liked girls.
Once I figured out that I was trans. I began to like guys, as well as girls. Hopefully that is where it will end, I think it will.
I really love girls, like a lot. They make me happy. They are the most beautiful creations on the planet. I love the way they laugh, how they feel, how they kiss, I love most everything about them. I don’t see that disappearing.
If it did, I wouldn’t hate myself for being a gay guy. I’ve accepted the fact that it may occur, and I’m okay with it.

So yeah . . . tada!

To all the cute queer guys out there, this is good news for you. You will only be more attracted to me now. If I made a cute twink with no hormones, think of how cute I will be on them. So cute! Now you know I think you are cute back.

I really have no idea what the reaction will be to this. If people will even care.
I’ve brought it up to a few people before, trying to explain that this is something I’ve been feeling but not telling them it was official. The responses I received from them were not great at all.
They didn’t believe me at all, how could I like guys? I am so good with girls. I’m a player, I’m the stud. It is not possible.
It seems to make them personally uncomfortable, which I don’t really understand. It is not them who has to live my life, their life is not effected by this news in any way. But they react like it is.
So I guess we will see the reactions I get. I will know who reads my blog now haha. If someone brings it up, I know you read it.
I will update soon with news of the reactions, if there is any.

It usually takes a good solid three days to recover from partying as hard as I did at Ness. I still haven’t had those three days of rest. I’ve been on the go since two hours after I arrived home. I really need to take some time to myself, and rest soon though. I am getting tired, moody, and doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I’m inflicting Chinese torture on myself, or living like normal kids my age.

After I cleaned up from Ness, I went over to Munroe’s house. We watched Twilight, and hung out for the night.
We have been hanging out a lot since then, just having fun. She is a really good girl, really nice, funny, and she has a kind heart. We don’t have a whole lot in common hobby/social life wise, but it has been fine. We can just introduce each other to new things.

I’m not exactly sure how this will end. She says she doesn’t want a relationship right now, but girls tend to say they don’t want a relationship when they really do. Then everything gets messy, and people get hurt. I am going to take her at her word, and believe that she doesn’t want one. Which is a good thing because I don’t think one would work out with her.
Due to me, I am not an easy person to date, or even see. I am complicated. No matter who I am with, being with me makes them rethink what their sexuality is. She is really proud to call herself a lesbian, and I don’t fit into that. I’m not willing to let people fool themselves about what I am, or am not, anymore. They have to see me as I am, and how I am going to be. I don’t want to be changed so I fit with someone, so there is no way I could ask someone to change.
I’ve accepted that it is going to be really hard for me to find someone to have something serious with. I’m willing to wait for the right person, and situation. I’m done with being people’s fling, something fun they play with til they are bored. What am I getting out of that? Nothing.

I know if I don’t wait it is only going to lead to me getting hurt really badly down the line. When that person realizes that I am too complicated, or not what they wanted me to be. I’m tired of disappointing people, so I won’t put myself in situations to do that anymore.

I just want someone to like me for me. Not who they think I am. Not who they want me to be. Not who they are trying to make me. Just me. I’ve spent way too much time getting to the point I am now in figuring out who I am to pretend to be somebody else.

I’m not looking to settle down for life, or anything. Not ready to be a penguin yet. (If you’ve watched Never Been Kissed, you would know that penguins mate for life.) I’m not even necessarily looking for something completely serious. I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. I need to ease into it. I just want something semi serious, a step up from the flings I’ve been experiencing lately. It doesn’t have to be complicated. I like them. They like me. We enjoy spending time with each other. Simple.

This decision to stop the flings, and Summer of Fun comes after the craziness of Ness and the following days. It was just too much. Wing man and I fed off of each other, and we went a little over board. I began to feel like girls were being turned into a sport, and we were competing. I would never think of girls that way, or turn them into a game. Wing Man and I talked it out, and we felt the same way. We agreed to cool it, and act classier then we had been.

I’m not going to go into details of the events that went on this week. I’m a little embarrassed, and I don’t want to repeat them. I promise it was nothing too crazy, just crazy for me. Don’t worry, there is not going to be a video of me up on the internet anywhere.

Remember how I said I was going to lay off the straight girls? Yeah, that doesn’t seem to be happening. I am attracted to them most. Their style, but mostly it is because they most accurately see me. If they are straight and attracted to me, it is because they seem me as a guy or something close to it.

There is a new girl that I am going to torture myself with. I really can’t even begin to describe her without sound creepy. When I met her, I turned to the person closest to me, and told them I was going to marry her.
Yup that is even creepy for me and I pride myself on my Facebook stalking skills. Don’t be judging me right now! I know you Facebook creep too, don’t even deny it.

Anyway, this girl is fantastic beyond words.
Intelligent, check.
Stunningly gorgeous, check.
Fashionable, check.
Witty, check and two stars. She is so witty, and you guys know how much I love being verbally cock slapped into a stunned silence.
Goofy, check.
Enjoys comics, check.
Has mad Youtube skill, check.

I’m going to stop listing off the good qualities she has, because it could go on for a long time. I’m fairly certain this is going to be a typical Avery and a cute girl situation.
Avery thinks Girl is cute. Girl barely knows Avery exists. After being exposed to my charm Girl thinks Avery is cute.
That is usually where that situation ends.

Hopefully my charm will get me further in this situation. I should polish it, put out the good china and nice table cloth. Really try to impress her.
Really, I am happy getting smiles and laughs from girls. That is like sliding into second base for me. Throw in a blush, and I am rounding third.
I can’t decide on a name for this girl yet. I will soon though.

My next post is going to be about life landmarks. I just pictured my face carved into the side of a mountain. It is coffee time, when I start hallucinating.

- Ol’ Blue Eyes

Avery Eros

“So, do you wanna make out to Nickelback?”
Yes Folks that is a line I used this weekend. Stand in awe of my skills, because it actually worked! Haha. I am King!

Seriously though, how can a girl turn down a kiss when there is a drag queen crying on stage, and Nickelback is blaring. She can’t. She just can’t.

I will explain.
I met this girl in the winter of 08, and we instantly clicked. We banter back and forth like it is a tennis match between the Williams sisters. I must be Venus, because I always win. We flirted, and had fun in the winter. But like all the interesting girls I meet, she moved away. I am going to call this girl Zing, for her incredible amount of wit and sass.
Zing moved away for about six months, she just returned home this weekend. We ran into each other, and things picked right up where they had been. She isn’t really the type of person I go for, but maybe that is a good thing. Because the people I have been going for have not been working out.

I spent the night pointing out things that were unique to Saskatchewan, things she hadn’t experienced in six months. Which is how this pick up line came about. Is there anything more unique to Saskatchewan then Nickelback playing in a bar? It is hard to think of something that is. Also there was a drag queen crying on stage, how much more of a unique moment can there be for a first kiss.

The wedding I went to this weekend was beautiful. I cried like a baby. It was really wonderful to see two people who love each other so much celebrate it.
I brought my brother to the wedding, because Silk Spectre couldn’t make it last minute. I felt a little bit like bringing a cousin to the prom, but I am glad I brought my bro. I had a blast with him.
We took a ton of pictures, which I have gotten a lot of feed back on. Mostly people telling me how beautiful my brother is. This is no surprise to me. I have been trying to explain for the last year how pretty he is.
What was a surprise was someone I am having ’summer fun’ with show interest in him. I don’t know why I even bother with straight girls. I never compare to a guy with them. It stings an extra amount because it was to my brother this time.
It did however get me motivated to work out. Nothing like a crumbling self esteem to get me doing push ups. I just have to accept I’m not ever going to win with straight girls. I am a fun fling to them, and I have been okay with that for the last year. But I’m not sure it is what I want anymore. I want someone that is proud to be with/around me, and not only when their friends or guys aren’t looking.

This is a clip from a conversation I had with a friend:
Friend – “I want someone I can see the world with.”
Me – “I want someone who sees the world in me, because that is what I see in the people I love.”

It struck me how much I want that, I didn’t even realize it til I said it. I think going to the wedding got me thinking about my life. Half of me couldn’t stop celebrating my freedom, but the other half was lonely. The night was filled with couples holding hands, slow dancing, and soft kisses on each others cheek. I haven’t had any of that in almost a year, and I miss it. But do I miss it enough to quiet the nomadic heart I have, or the questions that I need to find answers too?

Tonight is the midnight showing of HARRY POTTER! I am so excited! I am going with my Dad right after I finish work. I know I am going to cry when Dumbledore is killed, and I am kinda hoping my Dad does too. He is not one to cry, but if there is a reason to cry this is it.

This weekend also happens to be my favourite weekend of the entire year! It is the Ness Creek Music Festival! HAPPY-NESS! Four days in the Boral forest surrounded by love, hippies, friends and music. Falling asleep to the distant beat of a drum circle is beautiful. It doesn’t get any better then that.
Ness Creek is the Las Vegas of Saskatchewan. What happens in Ness Creek, stays in Ness Creek. People get crazy! There are all kinds of drugs everywhere, though I have a ton of fun without them. It is a 24 hour, four day party. I’m really excited to be surrounded by great people, with something always going of for us to do.

Once I recover from the Ness I will post about what happened. It is guaranteed to be filled with adventures.

HAPPY-NESS

Avery Eros

I have found online love! No, not the recent socially accepted yet still really creepy long-distance online love.

I have been blessed with the beauty of a library of drunk texts, textsfromlastnight.com.

It is so funny! What would the world be without text messages? Somewhere I wouldn’t want to live, especially after reading the random funny texts from the site. I think from now on every time I post an entry I will include one of my personal random texts, either sent by me or sent to me. Here are two from last night. I was drunk when I sent one of them, can you guess which one?

Sent : So we should make out, Textosaurus. (I accidentally deleted this text as I was trying to find it, but I think this is correct.)
Sent: Mmm. Liquid cheese.

This week was really good. I have been getting better at balancing work, and having a life. It is really easy to go home, and play sims/eat cookies/sleep/all of the above. But I have been working at going out, and doing something after work. It makes me feel less like I just lost a whole day being a slave. But with that comes lack of sleep, and its side effects. Today I feel asleep in my car during my lunch break. I also seriously considered punting a kid out of the store.

I accomplished a lot on Friday night. I worked til late, then I rushed to buy advance tickets to the midnight, July 15, showing of the new Harry Potter movie for my Dad and I. (I am so excited to see how much hotter Hermione has gotten, that girl is the love of my life.) It is our tradition to go see the Harry Potter movies the day they come out. It is my favourite thing to do with my Dad. He and I are huge Harry Potter nerds. I am really excited to spend time with him. I am going to take him out for cheesecake or coffee after, so we can discuss the movie.

After picking up the movie tickets I visited Sunshine at work, for a quick flirt. Seeing her leaves me with a refreshed, happy feeling. She really is like sunshine.

I then hustled over to Diva’s hoping for a dance party. What I found instead was a gross country band. I lasted about 15 minutes before I called it a night. I don’t know why they play at Diva’s. If the club is going to bring in entertainment other then the house DJ’s, which I think would be a nice treat, it should fit the type of bar it is.

Different DJ’s would spice the place up, weekends tend to run together there because the music is always the same. Others feel the same way, and finally someone is trying to change it. He is going to try and make a Friday night happen at a different location. He is going to have different DJ’s and musicians each week. I hope he can make it happen, I think I am going to talk to him and tell him I would love to help out.

Saturday night was much more fun then Friday. From work I went to a friends birthday party, the theme was Botox and Bow Ties. I wore a bow tie, and he had the ‘botox’. Alcohol filled syringes, provided by a male nurse friend. It was a great crowd of people, some of my favourite people. I love hanging with the boys. They are genuinely really good people. I feel lucky to be one of their friends.

Diva’s was a better scene then it was the previous night, though it was quite dead for a Saturday. I had a glass of wine at the bar, and proceeded to get drunk.
Yes, off one glass. Don’t judge me! I am allergic/really sensitive to alcohol, and I had an empty stomach. It was a nice change of pace from being completely sober like I always am. I might have a glass of wine at the bar more often.

I spent the night sexy dancing with Silk Spectre. I felt less like a peacock flashing my pretty tail all night. I don’t know if it was the wine, but I wasn’t as self conscious about every little thing. I acted on what I felt like doing, instead of just being all talk.

It isn’t really fair to say that she, or other girls, make me feel like a peacock. I make myself feel like a peacock (I am stuck with this peacock simile, aren’t it?) If I was brave and just made the moves I wanted to, instead of only talking about it, I wouldn’t have to work so hard at flashing my feathers and make them make the move.

Being all talk is caused by a few factors. The first being utter loss of confidence right in the moments I need it. I need a map so I can talk to the wizard about that courage. While I am there would it be asking too much to ask for an eight pack, pecs and killer biceps?

The second reason for my lack of action is being a good guy, as opposed to the ‘bad boy’. I respect girls too much to kiss them without asking permission first. I don’t want to force myself onto anyone. Being respectful is not a bad thing, but sometimes a girl just wants to be pushed against a wall and kissed like she never has before. I can be the person to do that. I just have this irrational fear that the girl will slap me, or something like that. But it is not like I would do this to a complete stranger, I would know the girl, so I just need to do it.

I need to be more like James Dean (love of my life/who I aspire to be).
My new motto, WWJDD, What would James Dean do?

Below is something written by the band Hunter Valentine. It is the perfect example of my life. You can guess which one is me, and which one I should be more like.

The name Hunter Valentine represents a certain kind of person…an attitude.
Think back to your days in junior high.
You’re at your school dance and you have been waiting for this day all year long.
Why? Well, because now your hopeful ass has the chance to slow dance with the love of your twelve-year old life.
When you finally stop sweating profusely and Total Eclipse of the Heart (your favorite song)
comes on, you decide it’s time to ask your crush to dance.
She’s sitting on the bench near the wall with her friends;
you approach slowly, but, just as you do… Jimmy Dean (the cool guy) grabs her hand and drags her to the washroom.
You follow. What do you see? Jimmy is smoking a cigarette in the girl’s room and when he finishes
he grabs her and they start making out. Fuck you Jimmy Dean.
So if now you ask, who is Hunter Valentine?
JIMMY DEAN. He is the heartbreaker that fucked up your chances. He is the bad ass inside you that comes out every once and a while. We say “he” but anyone can have a little bit of Hunter Valentine in them.
If you don’t love him, then you want to hate him. But you can’t. Because he is just himself
and he never promised you anything.

I have my far share of Jimmy Dean/James Dean moments, don’t get me wrong. I just need to have more of them, and I will. I am going to work really hard at having this attitude more often.

WWJDD?! I will keep you updated on exactly what he would do, and what improvements it causes.

- What would Jame Dean do?

Studly Aves